Will II: Unlocking of the Keys By Ardweden & Dannysmartful With help from Cherden & Nephadia Note: This is a work of fiction. All of the characters and events portrayed in this story are fictitious, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental, with the exception of a few. We are not making a profit off of this, so suing us would be a bad idea. Also, what are we going to pay you? We're broke! Anyway, on with the story. Prologue Leinis surveyed the crowd. A rather good turnout, compared to last year. He cleared his throat and began the story. "Once, when The Magic Few were only three, a power unlike any seen before arose in the fair and horribly confused country of Bulvaria. The-Boy-Who-Was-A-Boy-But-Who-Is-Now-A-Man-But-Persisted- That-He-Was-Still-A-Boy-Who-Had-Taken-Over-Bulvaria-By-reciting-THE WORD-Forwards and Backwards discovered one of the Words of Power. With it, he could turn any living thing into ashes or eggplants. "He conquered all of Bulvaria with this word, and threatened all of Ineckey. The members of The Magic Few, Cherden, Ardweden, and Dannysmartful, trained to take down this new tyrant and save Bulvaria from his reign. Along their quest they met their newest member and leader: William, Lord of the Ants. "With the black ants', parrots', Delphia's, Hooper's, and many others' help, the T.M.F. managed to defeat The-Boy-Who-Was-A-Boy-But- Who-Is-Now-A-Man-But-Persisted-That-He-Was-Still-A-Boy-Who-Had-Taken- Over-Bulvaria-By-Reciting-THE WORD-Forwards and Backwards. Unfortunately, Dannysmartful was crushed by a chandelier and died in the final battle." Ariel grinned at her brother. "But you already know all that," she continued, "This is the story about what happened after Dannysmartful's death, and The Magic Few's greatest challenge yet." She paused and began in her best storyteller voice, "Yes, Bulvaria was at peace. At peace from danger, but not from death. Now, the great country of Bulvaria was mourning the loss of their beloved hero, Dannysmartful..." Chapter 1 or Express Mail By his request, Dannysmartful was cremated. After his ashes were pulled from the Burning Chamber, the only thing that was not scorched or melted was his T.M.F. key. His funeral was held at the Sea of Salt and they dumped his ashes and the key into it. After the funeral Cherden moved to a country called Bethyulvannia with Hooper and opened a toothpaste business with Will as vice-president as well as the Redeemed Supplier of Materials. William married Delphia at Meduville and they moved to the Forest of Death so Will could take his place as the ants' God. Ardweden stayed in Bulvaria and saved the economy many times. She kept The-Boy-Who-Was-A-Boy-But-Who-Is-Now-A-Man-But-Persisted-That-He-Was- Still-A-Boy-Who-Had-Taken-Over-Bulvaria-By-reciting-THE WORD-Forwards and Backwards locked in a sound proof room in the dungeon. When the parrots of the world came and attempted to rule it, Ardweden took over Bulvaria and moved to Chicagle, which was near one of Ineckey's Great Lakes. Two long years passed. Qui-dom, a small village that barely anybody knew about, was a home to many of the dragons of the world. It was taken over by an insane woman named Bonnie. She wasn't generally thought to be insane but she was; she married Clyed, a dragon, who was to get the world when she died. Bonnie had mechanics in this little village make her a new toy called a machine gun. She used her guns to take over the entire continent from which she lived. The continent of tilla (never capitalized) was rather small but was full of rich, precious resources that the rest of the world would love to get their hands on. She then remained quiet for about five years, not letting anybody go or come to the continent while the T.M.F. were busily saving Bulvaria from The-Boy-Who-Was-A-Boy-But-Who- Is-Now-A-Man-But-Persisted-That-He-Was-Still-A-Boy-Who-Had-Taken-Over- Bulvaria-By-reciting-THE WORD-Forwards and Backwards. During this time, Bonnie was digging up the continent's gold, lead, and other metals to make her machine guns with. This continued until she ran out of resources. She then conquered half of the continent Sillsa (pronounced Sillza) when the parrots of Bulvaria called on Ardweden to help them reclaim what Bonnie and Clyed took over. Ardweden, who was in her need for adventure state, agreed. She then wrote to Cherden in Bethyulvannia. The letter reads as follows: Cherden, As you know Bonnie and Clyde used their toy machine guns to take over tilla and Sillsa. We have been asked to unite and reclaim these continents before Bonnie rules the world. I have already written to William, and he has agreed to meet at Bulvaria. Could you please do the same? I have found a medium/necromancer who will help us raise Dannysmartful from the dead using our T.M.F. keys. So could you please meet us at the Castle of Bulvaria in three days, and from there we shall go to the northeast docks of Bulvaria with the medium. Say hello to Hooper for me. Thanx. Your friend, Ardweden When the letter reached Cherden, she was sitting in her spacious office, pondering over the problem of where to find more ants to squish into toothpaste. Hooper was sprawled out on the carpet to her left, looking at the Ant Squashing Representative suspiciously. "Are you sure there are no ants left in Bethyulvannia?" Cherden asked the representative. "Yes," he said, fidgeting uncomfortably under the hopping white tiger's glare. "There are plenty in the Dark Forest, though." "But we can't just squish Will's subjects. He's the Lord of the Ants, you know. We'll have to find artificial substitutes." "But Miss Cherden," the representative protested, "We always prided ourselves on using natural products. If we stop now..." "LETTER!" screamed a voice. "Yes! Letters! We can squish letters! B for baking soda, T for tartar control, P for--" "No! Letter for you!" said the messenger boy. "Oh, goody. I love mail!" screamed Cherden, as she jumped onto the desk and did an Irish jig. She then tore the mail from the astonished boy's fingers. "Wow! It's from Chicagle! That's where Ardweden lives, you know," she said as she opened the envelope. "She wants me to meet her at the Castle of Bulvaria!" Cherden exclaimed, "Messenger boy, you're in charge!" With that, Cherden ran out the room, Hooper hopping right behind her. The representative, who's name was Fred, moaned, "Two years. Two years of putting up with Cherden and that tiger. Then she leaves, and who does she put in charge? A messenger boy!" With that, Fred broke into tears. Cherden arrived at the airport with Hooper at her side. She approached the travel agent and said, "I need two first class air tickets." "Your name?" the travel agent asked in a bored tone. "Cherden." "Who's the other person?" "Person! How dare you insult my best friend!" Hooper then jumped onto the edge of the counter and gave a loud meow. The travel agent screamed, fainted, and fell over backwards. "DEMIDODECAHEDRON!" the manager shouted, "What happened, Miss Cherden?" "Hooper tried to kiss her, then she dehydrated and fell over." "Where do you wish to go?" "Chicagle." "Your flight's boarding now. Oh, and by the way, I always use your toothpaste," the manager said quietly, "Enjoy your flight, Miss Cherden." Cherden boarded the flight and sat in the first class section. Suddenly, air outside the sausage-shaped Air object burst and they parachuted to Chicagle. Cherden got out, left the airport and entered a stretch carriage pulled by camels. Then twelve men carrying luggage followed and strapped it to the camels. The carriage left for the Castle of Bulvaria. "Mail!" screamed the ants as a small white envelope was being passed from ant to ant, then to Will's hand. "It's from Chicagle! That's where Ardweden lives," Will cried with excitement as he tore open the letter. "Hmm... she wants me to go to the Sea of Salt... Wow, a medium!... Delphia, get my coat! The rest of you, bring me my gold chariot. We must ride to Bulvaria tonight!" That afternoon, the forest was bustling with activity as the ants prepared for the journey. That evening, the forest was silent. There was no God and only two-thirds of the population of ants. Two ostridanishes could be seen on the lonely road to Bulvaria pulling a gold chariot holding a God, his wife, and one million loyal ant subjects singing the theme song to Sailor Moon. At Castle Ardweden... Ardweden, who was in her worrying state, was pacing back and forth in her throne room. "What if they got killed in a tornado? A hurricane? An earthquake? What if they dehydrated or starved to death or got struck by lightning?" she asked, "I don't think we should go. What if they don't show up? What if they hate me?" "Relax," said Sandre, her chief advisor, "They'll show up. After all, you are Empress of Bulvaria. Now stop worrying!" "But what if..." "WE'RE HERE!" came a shout. "You're here!" replied Ardweden, "But I thought you died or didn't like me or-How did you know I'm here?" "The wind felt very worried," explained Cherden, "We thought you didn't leave yet." Laughing, she jumped up and down. "We're all here! Ardweden, Hooper, myself, Will, his ants, and Delphia! We're all here!" and Cherden clapped her hands. Sandre cleared his throat. "With all due respect, Miss Cherden, Empress Ardweden deserves the proper respects." "Oh yeah," Cherden said. With that she flapped her arms, twirled around, licked her thumb and stuck it on her forehead. William and Delphia followed her example. Hooper just yawned, and the ants said stubbornly, "We don't bow to anyone but our God!" "Then be squished!" Sandre yelled as he raised his foot. "No! It's just that we don't have thumbs!" the ants squeaked. "Oh. Well, I guess that's alright, then," Sandre said. "Don't we have something to do?" Delphia asked. "Yeah, we have to go talk to the medium," Will said. So the Empress of Bulvaria, hopping white tiger, God, his wife, toothpaste company owner, and one million ants walked in single file out the door. Chapter 2 or Plastic Crystal Balls When they reached the medium/necromancer's house, Ardweden, who was in her polite state, politely knocked on the door and said, "This is Empress Ardweden of Bulvaria. We're sorry to disturb you, but we would like to speak with you about raising our friend Dannysmartful from the dead. Would you please let us in?" A little old lady opened the door. "What do you want?" she mumbled grumpily. Then she noticed who was there. "Oh! Miss Cherden, Lord and Lady of the Ants, Hooper the hopping white tiger, and Empress Ardweden of Bulvaria!" she exclaimed as she flapped her arms, twirled around, licked her thumb and stuck it on her forehead. "Please forgive my behavior. I didn't know who you were." "That's quite alright," Ardweden replied. "We were just wondering about raising Dannysmartful from the dead." "Oh, of course. Come in." So, the group walked into the old lady's hut. It was filled with weird stuff, like toenail clippings, overdue library books, and clamshells which rattled eerily. As they walked through the small hut, they realized that they had a problem. There was no room for everybody! But this problem was quickly solved when the old woman opened a trap door in the ground. When everyone was underground, Delphia started sneezing because she had an allergic reaction to the dust. While doing so, she knocked over Will, who knocked over Cherden, who knocked over Ardweden, who knocked over Hooper, who knocked over a million ants, who knocked over a shelf which caused the crystal ball on it to roll over the edge. The medium caught it while simultaneously handing Delphia a hankie. "Now, everybody sit around the table and hold hands," the medium ordered. "What are you going to do?" William asked politely, "Who are you, anyway?" "My name is Doris, and we're going to find out how to raise Dannysmartful from the dead so shut up and let me concentrate," Doris snapped. "How dare you talk to me that way! I am Lord of the Ants!" "Do you want to save Dannysmartful or don't you?" Will sat down and mumbled, "Of course I want to save Dannysmartful. Just don't talk to me that way. You hurt my feelings." "Yeah, yeah, whatever," Doris replied. "Okay," she said as she placed the crystal ball on the center of the table. "I'll need you all to chant the one word that Dannysmartful used the most." Suddenly everybody started screaming, "AAAAAHH!!!" Startled, Doris leaped from her chair and clung to the ceiling. "Shut up, you're driving me insane!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. "And what's wrong with that?" Cherden asked her. "Oh, nothing of course. Now let's get on with the séance," the medium replied while letting go of the ceiling. "Now repeat after me. Alliea bala bo-ba!" "Alliea bala bo-ba!" they repeated. "Icsmelt ola im-smere!" "Icsmelt ola im-smere!" they continued. "O Great Spirits, tell us how we may raise our hero Dannysmartful from the dead," she chanted. There was a long silence. Suddenly, they were surrounded by a brilliant green light and a wind blew furiously about them. The crystal ball began to glow a deep red. Then, a white face appeared in the center of it and it spoke in a thundering female voice, "Who dares summon me from the world of Death in Prosperity?" "We must know how to raise our friend Dannysmartful from the dead, to help us save the world again!" "Ha!" the voice boomed again. "Impossible. It will never happen, you foolish mortals. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have better things to do." "What do you mean 'it will never happen'?" Ardweden asked. "You could never raise him from the dead! Well... yes, you can... Okay, you must use three things. One that he had, one that he used, and one that he loved. Then Doris can summon him." "What are these things?" Cherden questioned. "You have one, Ardweden has one, and William has the third." "What?!" "Ardweden knows," the voice said calmly. Everyone in the room turned and glared at Ardweden, when she spoke, "Oh, it's his T.M.F. key!" "She's quick!" the voice said slyly. Cherden turned and asked, "What about the other two?" "I'm not gonna tell YOU! First you summon me when I was having my beauty rest, then you ask me a bunch of dumb questions, and now you expect me to do all your work for you. If I get out of here I'll..." Suddenly, the crystal ball began to squeak, and white and black snow appeared inside it. The face disappeared, and only the snow remained. The medium fiddled with the antennae on top of the crystal ball. Then, it melted. "Cheap plastics! I should have bought a glass one! This is what you get for using artificial substitutes," Doris said. "Now, was anybody taking all of this down?" "Yes," Delphia responded. She finished her sentence on her small pad of yellow paper she found on the table earlier. A page of the pad fell off and landed in the flames of the crystal ball. Everybody screamed, "AHHH!!!" "It's okay, that was only Doris' grocery list," Delphia assured them. There was a great sigh of relief in the room when Doris asked, "Well, when will you be leaving?" "What?" Will questioned. "The Queen of Death said we need to find three things to use when we raise Dannysmartful from the dead," Doris replied. "The key and..." Will continued. "What did Dannysmartful have before he died, and what did he love?" Doris rambled. "Toothpaste!" Cherden cried. "Camels!" the ants squeaked. "Andersun robot!" Delphia shouted. "Late-bus-pass-sword!" Will yelled. "Parrots!" Ardweden snapped. "SHUT UP!" Doris shouted at the top of her lungs. "Camels, robots, late-bus-pass-swords, and parrots. Do you even have the right Idea?" "She's right, you know," Delphia said calmly. "Will or Cherden must have given him something. Since no one gave Dannysmartful toothpaste, camels, the Andersun robot, or parrots, it must have been..." "THE LATE-BUS-PASS-SWORD!" everyone shouted. "Yeah! And I gave it to him so Will must know what Dannysmartful loved!" Cherden said. Everyone looked at William expectantly. He cringed under their stare, and suddenly broke into tears. "I don't know what Dannysmartful loved!" Will sobbed, "Besides, we'll never find the key or the sword. Dannysmartful is dead forever! And it's all my fault!" While Delphia comforted Will, the rest of the group tried to figure out where the late-bus-pass-sword and the key were. "Okay, we know that we need all four keys to summon Dannysmartful. His key is obviously in the Sea of Salt. But where is the sword?" Cherden asked. "You could try to summon the Queen of Death again," Ardweden suggested. (She's in her NORMAL state right now.) "Yeah! Yeah! Summon the Queen of Death!" the ants squeaked. "NO! I will not summon the Queen of Death! She probably missed a party, that's why she was so cranky. I will not waste another crystal ball!" Doris yelled. "Okay, okay. You don't need to get all upset about it," Cherden said. "Hey, what's going on?" Will asked. "We're trying to figure out where the late-bus-pass-sword is," Doris snapped irritably. "Where was it last?" William inquired. "It was outside the Castle of Bulvaria!" a voice snapped. "Who said that?!" Will asked in a state of shock. "What?" Delphia questioned. "Did you hear it?" Will continued. "Hear what?" Ardweden asked. "The voice!" Will exploded. "What voice?" Cherden resumed. "Boy, are they stupid," the voice rambled. "Who is that?!" Will screamed. "It's only me," the voice said, "I'm your subconscious. Right now it's 3:45 p.m. Don't forget your dental appointment Thursday." "Who is it, dear?" Delphia asked calmly. "My subconscious," Will replied. "He said the sword's outside the Castle of Bulvaria, and my dentist appointment's on Thursday. The time is 3:45 p.m." "Your subconscious is all knowing," Cherden spoke. "It's probably trying to help us. Let's go to the castle. Maybe the sword is still there." "Not after two years," Ardweden said sarcastically. "Maybe somebody knows where it is, though," Doris said. "Ask your subconscious, Will," Ardweden pleaded. "Could you?" Delphia questioned. "I'm not supposed to," the voice said, "or you'll be destroyed." "Maybe we could tap into my subconscious," Doris suggested. "WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP!" William exploded. The room fell silent. "What does your subconscious say?" Doris questioned Ardweden. "My subconscious says it's one in the morning," Ardweden responded. "We must get Dannysmartful's key first!" Delphia squawked, while looking at the yellow pad of notes. "The fee is two hundred gold pesos," Doris demanded. Ardweden gave Doris the money and said, "Thank you for your time. We'll return in your need." They slowly began to file out one by one. Hooper first, then the ants, and so on. Outside Ardweden stopped a chariot as people all around ran in every direction screaming, "Man-eater! The hopping white tiger's gonna eat us all!" Doors and windows everywhere began slamming and the street was empty except for a carriage with no driver. Hooper jumped on top and began to take a nap. The ants grabbed the reins while everybody went inside and they were off to the Sea of Salt. Chapter 3 or Of Keys, Red Ants, and Jungle Parrots Across the sea at Qui-dom, Bonnie and Clyed were admiring their greatest achievement- the apple bomb. . The apple bomb could destroy the world if activated correctly, otherwise only 12,000 square miles. They planned to hold the Pyramids of Viti-alamin hostage for the resources of Bulvaria, but in order to achieve this, they must cross the Sea of Salt and conquer Bethyulvannia. * * * "What?! To borrow your boat it will cost 3,000 gold pesos?!" Will screamed. "That's for forty-five days," the yachtsman said calmly. "We don't need forty-five days, we only need three hours," Cherden said. "I don't charge for three hours, I charge monthly," the yachtsman said sternly. "Yeah, he only charges monthly," Ardweden, who was in her agreement state, said. "I don't care. You are going to give us this boat, and charge us fairly," Cherden ordered while Hooper growled menacingly. "Yeah, give us this boat and offer a fair price," Ardweden agreed. "But you're Empress Ardweden. You can afford 3,000 gold pesos." "You're right, I can, so I'll give-mmph." "What she was saying," Delphia said as she put her hand over Ardweden's mouth, "Is that it'll come out of your tax money." "Good thinking, Delphia," Will whispered. "Always, dear," Delphia replied. So the boatman let the group have his boat at the bargain basement price of five gold pesos. The search for one of the keys to the Bridge of Death began. For two hours, not one found anything. Then Cherden went into a trance and dove off of the boat. When she came back up, she was holding the key, and singing the theme song to Flipper. "Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning..." she sang as Will and Ardweden dragged her aboard. Delphia took the key from Cherden's hand. "It's a key to the Bridge of Death!" she exclaimed. "Yes it is," Ardweden said. "Meow," Hooper said as he grabbed the key from Delphia. "Hey! Come back here!" Delphia cried while she chased him. "Yeah! Come back here!" Ardweden shouted as she ran after the hopping tiger. "Meow?" Hooper asked as he hopped out of reach. "They call him Flipper in a world full of wonders..." Cherden continued. Pretty soon everyone but Cherden was chasing Hooper around the boat. * * * At the Black Forest, the red ants have taken over. Since there was no god to lead the black ants, and there was only two-thirds of the population, general Antony chose that moment to strike. Only a few ants got away, led by the freedom fighting ants, Brutus and Cassius. The rest of the black ants were now working as slaves under the red ant rule. "Letter!" squeaked a black ant slave. "Gimme that!" Antony said as he snatched the letter and slapped the slave. All of the other slaves cringed, but they did nothing to help. "Hmm... it's from Bonnie and Clyed... says they want Octavius, Lepidus, and me to meet them at the Sea of Salt and help them conquer Bethyulvannia... invented some kind of apple bomb..." Antony mumbled as he read the letter. "Antony! ANTONY!! Brutus and Cassius' rebel armies are preparing to attack!" Antony said a naughty word. "Don't they know that they can't resist the mighty Red Ant Empire?" Antony yelled as he banged his fists on this desk. "Summon Octavius and Lepidus," he ordered. The messenger bowed and ran out the door. "Sorry, Bonnie and Clyed, but I've got my own problems," Antony said as he put the letter in his desk. * * * At the boat, Hooper climbed up the ballast. Cherden followed, and was followed by Will, who was followed by Delphia, then Ardweden, and then he ants. They all clutched tightly to the pole while Hooper hung over their heads. Suddenly, there was a thump, and Ardweden screamed, Delphia let go, the ants swooping down and forming a net to catch her. "Thank you," Delphia said. "No problem, O Great Goddess of All Living Things!" The ants responded. Delphia had to let go because the boat reached shore. Hooper jumped off and down to the jungle, which covered the island. "Hooper! Come back!" Cherden screamed. "Hooper! Hooper!" the rest of them cried. Ardweden went into her pirate state and started to look for treasure. "Argh," she said, "There be treasure on this island, and I be meaning to find it. You scumbuckets, you worthless excuse for a crew, you be helping me, or you'll walk the plank." "What is she doing?" Delphia asked. "I think she's looking for treasure," Will replied. "All right, you landlubbers, start scrubbin' this here deck or they're be nothing left of you or your ants!" Ardweden demanded. "Our god! Our god! Our god's in danger!" the ants screamed. "Just play along," Will whispered to Delphia. "Swattle me eyes, it's the Hooper hopping around me trees, my subconscious says it's one in the morning. But I know that Hooper's subconscious knows where the treasure be," Ardweden declared. Suddenly a hundred parrots flew down from the jungle trees and onto the boat the TMF were using, causing feathers to fly everywhere and making it difficult for the small crew to scrub the deck with toothbrushes properly. Cherden recognized them. "Those are the parrots from Bulvaria. What are they doing here?" A tackle box fell of the top of the boat onto Cherden's head, and she spun around in circles and fell into an unconscious trance. Then a parrot with a peg leg, two big hoop earrings, and a patch over one eye swooped down and sat on Ardweden's shoulder. "What brings ye to these parts?" Ardweden questioned the bird. The bird responded, "Arrgh, squak. Bulvaria was taken over by red ants threatening to make its people itch for ever." Hooper suddenly hopped from the jungle trees and began beating up the Polish parrot on the deck, with all the birds laughing hysterically. Ardweden grabbed the TMF key from Hooper. "Shut up you seadogs!" Ardweden shouted. The whole ship fell silent as Ardweden put the key around her neck. Then the parrot dressed as a pirate began ordering the other parrots to line up along the ballast poles and set their wings like a sail, causing them to head for the mainland. Hooper hopped around the ship with his head held high and the Polish parrot, who was barely alive, in his mouth, showing his superior power over the parrots. Ardweden stood at the bow with her crew around her. "Where be the sword, Will?" "Delphia, where are the notes?" Will asked. "You mean those?" Delphia pointed at the parrots, who were eating the note pad. Will put his face in his hands and began sobbing. Chapter 4 or Over the Rainbow "I'm so happy, so so happy!" Bonnie sang. "About what?" a man's voice asked. "My High Counsel!" Bonnie responded joyfully. "Is there something you need?" "Yes!" another voice, female this time, replied. "And what is it?" Bonnie questioned again. "The-Boy-Who-Was-A-Boy-But-Who-Is-Now-A-Man-But-Persisted-That- He-Was-Still-A-Boy-Who-Had-Taken-Over-Bulvaria-By-Reciting-THE WORD- Forwards and Backwards," the man said. "What ever for?" "I heard last that the remaining TMF members, one million ants, and hopping white tiger were trying to summon Dannysmartful with the help of some parrots. He needs to be stopped from ruining everything," the female said. "Who?" "The-Boy-Who-Was-A-Boy-But-Who-Is-Now-A-Man-But-Persisted-That- He-Was-Still-A-Boy-Who-Had-Taken-Over-Bulvaria-By-Reciting-THE WORD- Forwards and Backwards!" the man and woman shouted together. "I have a better Idea... come, let's summon the Queen of Death!" Bonnie commanded. They joined hands and circled left while singing. Suddenly, there was a burst of energy between them and the Queen of Death appeared while the three of them fell to the floor. "WHAT?" the Queen of Death shouted. "Hey, don't you shout at me!" the man roared. The Queen of Death looked at him and the male High Counselor died. Hie soul was sucked into a void where he would remain until summoned or destroyed. The two women looked at the Queen in fear. Then the female High Counselor asked, "Did you test the dead in recent years?" "NO!" the Queen shouted. "Could you have your demons question all that died in the past five years? If they answer the three questions correctly, they have the option of being reincarnated or return to where they were, correct?" "Yes, but at such a strange time?" the Queen replied. "What do you have to offer me?" "A temple, a temple built in your honor!" The Queen nodded, pleased. "Is that all?" "Could you bring me The-Boy-Who-Was-A-Boy-But-Who-Is-Now-A-Man- But-Persisted-That-He-Was-Still-A-Boy-Who-Had-Taken-Over-Bulvaria-By- Reciting-THE WORD-Forwards and Backwards?" Bonnie inquired. "Dead or alive?" The three women laughed at the Queen's rare spark of humor. "In two days," the Queen said as she disappeared. "It's working!" Bonnie exclaimed joyfully. "What?" the High Counselor asked. "My plan," Bonnie squealed. "My plan was to have Dannysmartful reincarnated as anything so they can't summon him. If my subconscious is correct, he'll be reincarnated in four and a half days." "And they shall never find him. O Great Mistress, you have such brilliant Ideas!" the female counselor oozed. "Yes, indeed I do," Bonnie said in a sly voice, "Indeed I do." Ardweden was out of her pirate state when a barrel of coffee beans rolled over her. When they landed at bort they returned the ship to the yachtsman and thanked him greatly. "What next?" Will asked Cherden eagerly. Cherden didn't hear him because she was in a trance, leaning against the side of the boat. Delphia was spraying perfume on herself and the parrots, trying to get rid of that awful fish and salt smell. "Well, what next?" Will asked Delphia and Ardweden. "Obviously, we go to find the late-bus-pass-sword so we can bring Dannysmartful back from the dead," Ardweden replied. "Where will we start looking?" "At the Castle of Bulvaria, dummy!" a voice said. "Oh, it's you again," Will responded. "Yeah, it's me," his subconscious agreed. "You have four and a half days to raise Dannysmartful from the dead or he'll be reincarnated as a centipede." "Oh, that's bad." "DUH!" "How do you know all this stuff, anyway?" But William's subconscious was gone. He sighed and relayed the message. "Then we go to the Castle of Bulvaria," Delphia stated. "Who cares? We'll all die anyway. Everyone dies. It doesn't matter," Ardweden, who's in her indifferent state, said. Suddenly, the ants were screaming and the parrots squawking . "What's wrong?" Delphia yelled. "Tornado! There's a tornado coming!" the parrots squawked in one hundred different languages. In the land of Death in Prosperity Dannysmartful was having a smashing good time. He made friends with a purple dragon named Michelina. This was odd because Michelina was the same dragon Dannysmartful killed earlier with his bad singing. But they both knew it was a mistake, and became very good friends. "Do you think we're going to be here long?" Dannysmartful asked Michelina. "I don't know about you," she replied, "but I shall leave when the Keymasters call. I have to serve them, and save the world." The TMF grabbed the parrots and started stuffing them into brown bags. The ants crawled into Will's shoes, pockets, and socks. They had to find shelter, so they ran to a farm house and saw a girl in a blue dress with a black dog and lunch basket screaming, "Auntie Em! Auntie Em! Auntie Em!" Then a witch on a bicycle zipped by. The TMF and Delphia joined hands and began to pray themselves to safety, with Hooper and the parrots in the middle. "Don't break the link and we'll be okay," William warned. Suddenly, the circle was lifted into the air and thrown over the rainbow. It landed far, far away, behind the moon and sun. Right afterwards, when the TMF, Delphia, parrots, ants, and Hooper were trying to recover, a house fell before them and landed in a flower patch, crushing the witch on the bicycle. All around them, little people popped out of holes in the ground and sang, "Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead!" Cherden spotted a pair of ruby slippers on the witch's feet, and put them on singing, "Take me out to the ball game, take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks. I don't care if I ever get back for it's..." She disappeared. "Cherden!" Ardweden screamed. "Was it her who took my slippers?" another wicked witch, who looked just like the first, asked. The little people cowered in fear. "No! We didn't take anything!" Delphia exclaimed. The witch turned around and pointed at the girl they saw earlier, outside the farm. "And as for you, I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too. AHAHAHAHAHA!" She grabbed her broom covered in flames and set a nearby scarecrow on fire. "Help! Help! Help!" it screamed. Delphia pushed a woman wearing a pink dress and crown over, grabbed a bucket of water, and splashed the scarecrow. Then Will sicked the small black dog on the witch, chasing her over the edge of the world, and into space. She fell through a rain cloud. "AAHHH I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh, what a wonderful world! AAHHH!!" "For the sake of us all," the lady in the pink dress and crown said, "I shall send you all home." "Toto too?" the girl asked joyfully. "Toto too," she replied. "Well, I love you all," the girl said, with tears in her eyes. "Now all of you repeat after me. There's no place like home, there's no place like home..." The TMF's keys began to glow, and they disappeared in a flash of light. Chapter 5 or The Cave of Destiny "Clyed!" Bonnie shouted. "Yes dear?" the dragon replied. "Our friend, the evil witch, has melted!" "Oh, that's too bad." "Yes it is, and what's worse, the red ants are busy taking over Bulvaria, not Bethyulvannia!" "Then we'll just have to conquer Bethyulvannia ourselves." "Yup. Let's get to work. PREPARE THE MACHINE GUNS! I want Bethyulvannia taken over. We'll attack tomorrow, with the help of The- Boy-Who-Was-A-Boy-But-Who-Is-Now-A-Man-But-Persisted-That-He-Was-Still- A-Boy-Who-Had-Taken-Over-Bulvaria-By-Reciting-THE WORD-Forwards and Backwards. I have a craving for eggplant." Clyed licked his chops. "So do I, my dear, so do I." "Hey look, everybody," Ardweden said, "We're home!" And they were. The good witch sent them to Castle Ardweden. "Let's go talk to Sandre about the late-bus-pass-sword," Will suggested. The ants, parrots, Will, Delphia, Hooper, and Ardweden walked through the castle doors in single file. The group searched the castle, and finally found Sandre crying in the treasure room. "What's wrong, Sandre?" Delphia asked, placing a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "The Red Ant Empire is in the process on conquering Bulvaria. They give all our solders a bad case of the seven-year-itch," Sandre choked between sobs, "Doris told me that you needed the late-bus-pass- sword, so I went to the Castle of Bulvaria and found it. Then, as I was walking back here, the evil allegories stole it!" "It's okay, everything will be alright," Will said reassuringly. Suddenly, Delphia realized someone was missing. "Hey, where's Cherden?" There was a loud pop, and Cherden appeared, wearing a Cubs hat and holding a half-eaten hot dog. "That was great!" she exclaimed, "The Cubs won! They... Sandre, what's wrong?" "The red ants are taking over, and the evil allegories took the late-bus-pass-sword!" Sandre screamed, and went back to bawling. "Oh no! What do we do?" "I have an Idea," Ardweden, who switched into her insightful state, said. "Cherden, I want you to write a letter..." "LETTER!" Fred yelled. His position has gotten worse since Cherden left. "It's from Chicagle." "Thank you," said the messenger boy Cherden left in charge. He opened the envelope. "It's from Miss Cherden. She found an abundant supply of ants in Bulvaria, enough to make toothpaste for years! Oh, and she says not to squash any of the black ones." "Well, she's the boss," Fred replied. "Let's send out the squashers!" Antony lounged in his plush chair, with his feet propped on the polished desk. This is the life, he thought, I nearly have all of Bulvaria conquered. Nothing can go wrong now. "General Antony!" cried a messenger ant, "There are squashers in Bulvaria!" "What?! Impossible! There are only squashers in Bethyulvannia!" "But I have seen them, General. Lepidus and Octavius have already been taken!" "Then we must flee!" "Eeeeewww, I hate muck!" Delphia complained as she stepped in another pile of goo. "Delphia, the swamp is where allegories live. It's the only way we'll get the late-bus-pass-sword. You should have worn boots like the rest of us," Cherden reprimanded. "I know. But the ruby slippers looked so pretty." "Yeah, they used to, but now you can't even tell if they're ruby anymore." "You shouldn't be so mean," Ardweden, who was in her nice state, said. "Yeah," Will agreed. "But it's true," Cherden argued. "I'm scared," Delphia whined, "Evil allegories could be anywhere." "ROAR!" roared a voice nearby. Delphia jumped into Will's arms, shaking. "Wh-what was that?" she asked in a trembling voice. "I'm Ned the allegory! Aren't I ferocious?" Ned crawled into their view. He looked just like an alligator, except he was only a foot long and had no teeth. Ardweden thought he looked kind of cute, but didn't want to hurt his feelings. "Oh yes, Ned. You're very ferocious," she lied. Ned thought for a moment. "I like you," he decided, "Everyone else thinks I'm kind of cute. So I'll help you with whatever you're doing." "Can you tell us where the late-bus-pass-sword is hidden?" Cherden asked eagerly. "No!" Ned quickly responded. "I knew you evil allegories couldn't be trusted!" Delphia snapped. "No! I meant yes, I just meant that I'm not an evil allegory." "How do you spell allegory?" Cherden asked curiously. "A-L-L-E-G-O-R-Y," Ned replied. "Really? Then everything you say should, theoretically, have a second meaning. Right now you're trying to tell us that all allegories aren't naturally evil." "No! I mean yes, that, and also that I know where the late-bus- pass-sword is." "Of course," Cherden said joyfully. "It's in the Cave of Destiny." "Where's that?" Ardweden asked as she shifted into her military official state. "I don't know... you don't... you can't... it's lost... no, it's forbidden," a very confused Ned stammered. "You gotta answer three questions to open the main entrance," a voice said. "You again!" Will shouted. Just then the earth shook and trembled. As the swamp turned black, a Mad Clown and three Red Ants attacked the group. The Mad Clown cast a spell, making the ants mutate and grow forty thousand times their size. The ants wore helmets with spikes sticking out of them. Then, the Mad Clown started to sink into quick sand and couldn't Escape, and a Red Ant got scared and Ran Away. Ardweden was Set for Battle and dug a trench around the ants and clown. Hooper leaped and bit one of the ants in half, while Cherden went into a trance and began to sing, "Oh say can you see... By the dawn's early light... What's so proudly we hail..." Delphia grabbed William and jumped into a bush. The Mad Clown Summoned Killer Bees, while Ardweden rolled in the mud towards the remaining ant. She then grabbed it and began snapping off its six legs. "For the land of the brave..." Cherden continued. Ned jumped up and bit the clown's arm repeatedly for no effect, when the clown's bees went psycho and attacked its commander. The Mad Clown Fled, with a load of insane bees in close pursuit. "And the home of the free!" Cherden finished as she passed out. The swamp fell silent, except for the screaming of the Mad Clown in the distance. "I guess it's too late to tell you, but you have to be very careful," Ned spoke. "The swamps carry lots of black magic, and barely any other spells work here." "What does thy soldier mean by 'black magic'?" Ardweden demanded. "Don't... no use... all wait... black spells... use then... to not... protect yourself," Ned stuttered, trying to explain while using double meanings. "But we were told that the allegories took the late-bus-pass- sword," Delphia said, confused. "Cherden?" Will shook the TMF member violently. "Hey, wake up!" "Don't try it she's out for one more minute," a voice ordered. "WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!" William screamed at the top of his lungs. He then grabbed the ruby slippers off Delphia's feet, squished his feet into them, smacked the heels together and shouted, "Take us to the Cave of Destiny!" There was a flash, and they were surrounded by a whirling force while everything around them disappeared. The ground beneath them fell, and they found themselves in the middle of a circling mass of clouds. The clouds changed in color from dark gray to light gray with a twist of lime green, sunshine yellow, and butter purple. Suddenly, a voice thundered, "Password!" "Huh?" Will whispered. They all began to move upward at an incredible rate, going faster and faster as the colors became so bright nobody could bear to open their eyes. And then... it stopped. Cherden was the first to open her eyes, as she regained consciousness and groaned. There were what looked like gray clouds darting around them, until they realized those were just ostridanishes. "We're here," Ned said. "This is the Cave of Destiny?" Delphia questioned, as she examined the area. It didn't look like much... just like a cave. "Why yes! Destiny brings you here," Ned responded. "Weren't we here before?" Ardweden shook her head, trying to clear her mind. "You were all here at one point or another, dorks!" a voice snapped, as Will slapped his head. "That's right! After we fought those parrots in Meduville we ended up here! See, here's the stairs I built to the exit." Cherden showed the mud steps to the rest of the group proudly. The parrots squaked in acknowledgment; they didn't like being reminded of their failure to sacrifice Will to their Stone Gods. "What are you doing here?" A girl's voice asked the group. The TMF turned around to see the girl and dog they met over the rainbow. "Ah," William replied, "See, we need to raise Dannysmartful from the dead, but we have to find his late-bus-pass-sword first. Have you seen it?" The girl shook her head. "There's been nothing here since that witch lady sent me here." Chapter 6 or Attack from Bald Mountain "What?" Will looked confused. "But Ned said that-" He was interrupted by a loud rumble in the distance, followed by another and another, in the pattern of footsteps. The TMF, ants, girl, dog, tiger, allegory, and parrots all looked out of the cave to see... a giant cactus! "Are you the cactus god?" the girl asked him. "Are you Dorothy, niece of Auntie Em?" the cactus inquired. "I am!" "Just the same!" "Monsuier!" "Calimara!" They ran forward as beautiful music filled the air, and embraced. "Truly touching," Cherden sobbed with a soaked hankie in her hand. "How memorable, true love, that's what William and I felt when we met," Delphia rambled. "Touching? Memorable?" the voice said, "How disgusting! People and cactuses falling in love..." "They look so good together," Ardweden commented calmly. "I think I saw them on Opera once," the voice continued. Will began banging his head against one of the stone walls. "We should cross right here," the only high counselor said as she pointed at the map. "Why there? I should have my dragons cross the desert and over the plains behind Bald Mountain," Bonnie replied while tracing her finger along the selected path. "The energy from Bald Mountain will generate these powers for the battle at Conant Castle." "But they must pass their finals first!" the high counselor reprimanded. "Then give them all cheat sheets," Bonnie responded. "AAHHH!" a voice yelled, "News! Glorious news! Another triumph for our men in arms; they have completely destroyed the enemy!" "Yes!" Bonnie cried in joy, "AHAHA! Wait, which men?" "The Europhobialks," the man continued. "AAHHH! I have two days in which to stop those little heathens from raising Dannysmartful from the dead, and I can't be stopped by some Europhobialks! Release the dragons now!" Bonnie shrieked. "Now!" She turned around, walking toward her husband, who watched the entire exchange calmly. "Ah," the high counselor said quietly, "Where are you going?" "To deal with important matters: namely releasing The-Boy-Who- Was-A-Boy-But-Who-Is-Now-A-Man-But-Persisted-That-He-Was-Still-A-Boy- Who-Had-Taken-Over-Bulvaria-By-reciting-THE WORD-Forwards and Backwards from the sound proof room that the TMF put him in. Now, if you'll excuse me..." She climbed onto Clyed's back and he took off. "I don't want to see you fail!" she yelled to the high counselor. "Will thou love her, comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health, and forsake all others as long as you both shall live?" the priest asked. "I will!" the cactus boomed. "I now pronounce you Desert God and wife. You may kiss the bride," the priest droned. Dorothy and the cactus hugged, Dorothy doing the kissing because the cactus's lips were forty thousand feet above sea level. Will's eyes widened as he looked past the loving couple, and he shouted, "The late-bus-pass-sword!" Suddenly, the priest pulled out the late-bus-pass-sword and stabbed the side of the cactus with it. Ardweden snapped off one of the cactus's spines and plunged it into the chest of the priest. He screeched and turned into two thousand year old dust. "Ack! A blood thirsty vampire!" Delphia screamed. "My husband's hurt!" Delphia cried. Cherden took the priest/vampire's muffler and wrapped it around the cactus's wound while Ardweden picked up the sword and said, "The priest/vampire came from Bald Mountain and is obviously working for Bonnie and Clyed." The two girls jumped back as three weather fairies flew out of the priest/vampire's robe and high into the sky. They did a happy little jig as the temperature grew boiling hot and a sandstorm arose. Everyone ran down the Cave of Destiny's staircase and hid in the corners of the room while the Giant of the Cactus, who wasn't able to fit, was content to sit on the third stair until the sandstorm abated. "How long do you think it will last?" Dorothy asked. Ardweden blinked and shifted into her semi-psycho state of mind. "Forever!" she thundered, "We shall all die... Death! DOOM! DESTRUCTION!" "Why not use the ruby slippers to make the sand storm go away?" Cherden suggested. "Okay," Delphia responded as she started to dance. "Weather is sunny, clouds and rain, ruby shoes, ruby shoes, send the sand storm back to where it came..." There was silence. "Hey, you're a better singer than Dannysmartful was," Will said. "Yeah," Cherden agreed. "And the storm stopped." They were about to file out of the cave when Dorothy stopped them. "Thank you so much for saving my husband and me," she said gratefully. "I'd like to repay you. You see, I own the Chicagle Symphony Orchestra. It's conductor is Joseph Malcamis. If you give him my hair ribbon, he will give you one million black ant tickets, one hundred international parrot tickets, one allegory ticket, one hopping white tiger ticket, and four people tickets." "Wow, thanks," Cherden replied while taking the hair ribbon. Everyone started to talk at once. "This is so neat," William commented. "Yeah!" Delphia agreed. "We get to go to a concert with our god!" the ants squeaked. "SQUAK! We'll see the famous Chicagle Symphony Orchestra!" the parrots squaked. "ROAR! SHUT UP!" Ned roared. "We won't go." "Huh? You don't like music?" Delphia asked, confused. "No! I mean yes, I like music, it's just that we have to find out what Dannysmartful loved, and besides, how will we get all the way to Chicagle from here?" "Why don't you use the ruby slippers?" Dorothy suggested. "Yeah! We can go wherever we want!" Cherden agreed enthusiastically. "Well, okay," Ned consented. So Delphia clicked her heels together and said, "Ruby slippers, ruby slippers, take Ned, myself, Will, Ardweden, Cherden, one million ants, Hooper, and one hundred parrots to the Chicagle Symphony Orchestra!" There was a blinding flash of light, and it rained. "AAAAAAHHH!" shrieked Bonnie. "Can't you slow down, Clyed?" "Shut up!" Clyed snapped. "Do you want to fly for a while?" "Uh, no... but couldn't you have installed some seat belts?" "In case you haven't noticed, dearest, I am a DRAGON, not some infernal machine!" "Uh, Clyed?" The-Boy-Who-Was-A-Boy-But-Who-Is-Now-A-Man-But- Persisted-That-He-Was-Still-A-Boy-Who-Had-Taken-Over-Bulvaria-By- reciting-THE WORD-Forwards and Backwards asked timidly. "Yeah, kid? What do you want?" "Can we land now? I have a tummy ache." "Sure thing. We'll land on Bald Mountain." Putting action to words, the red dragon flew over to the mountain and landed on a cliff. As Clyed worked on building a tent large enough for a dragon, Bonnie asked, "So, kid, what's your name?" "Promise not to tell?" "I promise." The-Boy-Who-Was-A-Boy-But-Who-Is-Now-A-Man-But-Persisted-That-He-Was- Still-A-Boy-Who-Had-Taken-Over-Bulvaria-By-reciting-THE WORD-Forwards and Backwards whispered in Bonnie's ear, who began laughing hysterically. "What's so funny?" Clyed asked over his shoulder. "The kid's name is HERMES!"