: *bounces up and down on your lap* Tell me a story! Ardweden: Eep! Ardweden: A story? : Yes! A story! Ardweden: Um... about what? : Widdle Red Riding Hood. Ardweden: Ah, right. Ardweden: ^_^; : Widdle Redheaded Riding Hood. *.* Ardweden: Redheaded? :P : Yeah. Redheads. Good. *.* Ardweden: : Yeah! Ardweden: Okay. Um... once upon a time there was a girl with red hair named Little Red Riding Hood (her real name was Lizzie, but we have to call her Little Red Riding Hood 'cause that's the title of the story). : wai wai wai! *hugs you* Ardweden: *hugs back* : *beams happily* More? Ardweden: Lemme think. Um... right. So her grandma was sick. And her mom prepared a nice basket of goodies to help her get better. Y'know, chicken noodle soup and orange juice and some hand lotion because hand lotion practically lives in goodie baskets. : *beams* I like your version. *huggles* Ardweden: *hugs* Right. I'm making this up as I go along, kinda. ^_^; : Yay! You need to improvise! Ardweden: Wheee. :P : Improvise! Ardweden: So Lizzie's mom... oop. I mean Little Red Riding Hood's mom gave her the basket and told her to go to Grandma's house to deliver it, 'cause Grandma just *loves* seeing her and such, and Red didn't really have a problem with that becuase Grandma spoils her silly every time she goes. : wai. :) Ardweden: : So where did she meet the Wolf? Ardweden: Oh, right. Thanks. ^_^ Ardweden: So her mom gave her her red raincoat with a hood and galoshes (just in case it rained), double checked the map to make sure Lizzie knew where she was going, and sent her on her way within five minutes, 'cause she had a business meeting to go to. : *beams* Hehehehe. Business meeting? Ardweden: Yup. She's a woman of the... well, whatever time period that was. ^_^ : 90s? :P Ardweden: That'd work. :P : Silly goose. Ardweden: That's my name for you! :P Anyway. So then Lizzie (also named Little Red Riding Hood and wearing her galoshes and red raincoat with a hood) took the basket and started off to Grandma's house. : no no, I'm GANDER, not goose. :) Ardweden: Whatever. ^_^ : yay! You go, Fluffy! Ardweden: ^_^; Ardweden: And on the way she had to go through the woods (I think her Gradma lived on the other side of the forest preserve), and she ran into... : Whee! The EVIL MEAN UGLY WOLF! Ardweden: Exactly! : AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! *covers eyes in terror* Ardweden: An EVIL MEAN UGLY WOLF appeared! Except he didn't look so mean, or ugly... I mean, I guess he might have if he *tried*, but he wasn't trying. In fact, he looked more like an oversized puppy with a top hat. Ardweden: But he was evil. Yup. : ... hahahahahaha!!! Ardweden: And Lizzie thought he was really cute and looked through her pockets for some food to give him 'cause there was no "Do Not Feed The Wolf" sign around, and she always did want to throw food to the Polar Bears at the zoo... but she couldn't find any. : Mmmmmmmmm. Ardweden: So she said, "Sorry, Mr. Wolf, but I have no food for you." And the wolf talked back. : o.O Ardweden: He said, "That's okay. I'm on a diet anyway." :P : ... ... ... Ardweden: Right. But Lizzie wasn't surprised, 'cause she watches T.V. and animals talk all the time in cartoons. : Wai! Ardweden: So they talked about all sorts of stuff. Politics and breakfast cereal and the commercials on T.V. Ardweden: And then it started getting a little dark, and Lizzie looked at her watch. "Oh no! I'm late!" Ardweden: The wolf looked a bit confused, then smiled a nice, innocent-looking smile (that was filled with sharp, pointy teeth). "Late for what?" Ardweden: "My Grandma's house! I was supposed to deliver this basket to her and now I'm laaaaate!" Ardweden: Now, Mr. Wolf wasn't a nice wolf at all. He was planning on chomping down on Little Red Riding Hood as soon as it got dark (because he might be on a diet, but being bad let him break the rules of dieting. Or he could have been lying; we'll never know). : You really should copy this down fo ryourself. ;-) Ardweden: I will afterwards, I think. Cut an' paste. ^_^ : *beams* Now go on! *cheers* Ardweden: Okay. Um... where was I? : Mr. Wolf was not nice. Ardweden: Oh yeah! So the wolf figured that he'd get more this way. He was a pretty clever wolf; his plan was to get the grandma, then the girl, then maybe wash it all down with chicken noodle soup and orange juice. Ardweden: The hand lotion was raspberry. He wanted that, too. Ardweden: (Villains are always so greedy.) : raspberry lotion? Ardweden: Yah. Ever have some? Lovely stuff. ^_^ Ardweden: <--likes her raspberry lotion. But anyway. :P : nope... *sniffs you* Ardweden: ^_^; : *sniffles* Ardweden: : Go on. *sniffles* Ardweden: Ardweden: Um... right. So Mr. Wolf asks Lizzy where her Grandma lives, 'cause he lives in the woods and probably knows a shortcut. : wai Ardweden: So Lizzie tells him, and he directs her in one direction while he goes the other. Of course, he's the one taking the shortcut. Ardweden: So the wolf gets to the Grandma's house and rings the doorbell. She asks, "Who is it?" And he tells her that she won a free pizza. : *hugs you, wiggles on your lap, and remains quiet, listening with big eyes* Ardweden: So she goes, "Oh my! A free pizza!" Ardweden: To this day, we don't know if the grandma was really Kasumi or not. Ardweden: And she opens the door and sees the wolf there, then invites him in, being the good hostess she is. Ardweden: And the wolf enters, and they sit and have cookies and tea. : not scones and tea? Ardweden: No, cookies. ^_^ ... Though I suppose they could have been scones. Ardweden: : Oh, is this british or american? Ardweden: I'm not sure. Hmm... : British, Scones. American, cookies. Ardweden: Ah. Okie, then. Ardweden: Well, *I'm* American so I say cookies. :P : fine fine Cookie monster. Ardweden: Cooookie! Anyway. :P Ardweden: But then! The doorbell rang. Ardweden: And the wolf knew he had to work fast for his eeeeevil plan to succeed. : Wai wai wai. Ardweden: So he ate the grandma! Ardweden: Swallowed her whole, because he couldn't chew twenty times like they say to. Ardweden: Not enough time. : ew. Ardweden: Yeah. Pretty gross. : Yucky yuck, like a snake. Ardweden: And the wolf grabbed Granny's bonnet, hopped into bed, and called for Lizzie to come in (because Grandma didn't lock the door after the wolf entered). : O.O Ardweden: And Lizzie entered! She approached the bed, but accidentally ran into a dresser, causing her glasses to fall off and break. : ack o.o Ardweden: Yeah. Ardweden: "Hi Granny," Lizzy said. "I brought you some goodies from home so you'll feel better." : ... : Aisu. Ardweden: "So nice to see you, dear child," the wolf replied with a nice, wide grin. "I trust you're feeling well?" Ardweden: What's aisu mean? : ICE CREAM! Ardweden: Ice cream! Wai! ^_^ : *zips off to get Ben and Jerry's* Ardweden: : Go on Ardweden: Okie then. ^_^ Ardweden: Hmm... right. And Lizzie tells the wolf that she's doing okay in school and her mommy's kinda busy with work and stuff. And then she paused and looked at the wolf kinda funny. "My, Grandma. What big eyes you have." : Wow. O.O Ardweden: "Why, yes. I suppose my eyes are rather large," the wolf said. Because it was true; the grandma has often been mistaken for Kasumi (assuming she wasn't Kasumi), which meant, as a rule of anime, that she had very large eyes. : Kasumi? O.O Ardweden: Yeah. Haven't you been paying attention? :P : She's not Kasumi? o.O Ardweden: Well, we don't know. Ardweden: She could be... : Ok okay wai Ardweden: Righto. ^_^ Ardweden: So Lizzy talks a bit more, and then the wolf's ears perked a bit when Lizzy mentioned food. And Lizzy said, "My, Grandma. What big ears you have." : Big ears! Ardweden: To which the wolf said, "They've been growing. Your ears keep growing all the time. Like your nose." Ardweden: This, of course, is a lie. But the wolf's evil, so he didn't care. : hehehe Ardweden: ^_^ : Go onnnnnnnn Ardweden: And they talk some more. And then Lizzy said a limerick she heard in class, because her grandma always liked poems. Ardweden: There was an old woman who dressed in pink. She was so lonely she bought a mink. She saw as skunk, and went KERPLUNK! That's because skunks really stink. : ... Ardweden: And the wolf laughed, because he saw a lady fall over because of skunk smell a week ago or so. Ardweden: And Lizzy got a view of those big, sharp, pointy teeth. And she said, "My, Grandma. What big teeth you have." : *bares teeth* TEETH. Ardweden: Yup. Big, nasty teeth! Ardweden: And the wolf smiled, because he was just *waiting* for this perfectly dramatic moment. : Ooo o.o Ardweden: "All the better to eat you with, my dear!" he yelled as he tried to bite Lizzie's head off. But Lizzie was prepared. She had... Ardweden: Pepper spray! : OOOOO Ardweden: And she got the wolf in the wide, big eyes. And he screamed, "Oh! My eyes, my eyes!" Ardweden: Lizzie ran for the phone and dialed 911. : WOO HOO! GO GO GO GO GO! Ardweden: And the paramedics and fire people and police were there very, very quickly (because it was a pretty slow night). : yay! Choppy! Ardweden: Hehehe ^_^ Ardweden: So they arrested the wolf and sent him to the zoo after operating and saving the grandma... it was a good thing the wolf swallowed her whole instead of chewing like his mommy told him to. : good. :) Ardweden: So the grandma was saved, and Lizzie was okay, and everyone lived happily ever after. Well, until Lizzie decided to go off to college, but that's another story. Ardweden: The end. ^_^