Roe dragged himself into one of the empty rooms upstairs and flopped in the general direction of the bed. Luckily for him, he managed to land on the corner, thereby avoiding the floor. His brain was currently somewhere between the consistency of overwatery rice and silly putty -- he and Coldfury had spent a good portion of the previous chapter chasing catgirls and trying to settle their dispute over a game of Rival Schools. Roe had won, of course. He smiled, remembering the vicious pummeling he'd given Fury. It wasn't quite as satisfying as a beating him to a pulp with a large squeaky mallet, but it was still satisfying in its own way. He stretched and rolled over onto his back. Roe glanced over and reached for the remote control sitting on the night stand. He pointed it at the television and clicked the large red shiny candylike button. Nothing happened. He pressed the button a few more times. Very emphatically this time, nothing happened. ROE: [snorting] Ha! What else should I have expected? He stared at the remote control, realizing that there *was* only one button on it. Turning it over revealed a small card affixed to the back. ROE: [reading aloud] Congrats, your life is now more interesting. {ROE SHRUGS} Whatever. Roe tossed the remote aside and stood back up. It was time to rejoin the party festivities below. He stretched lazily, then slowly ambled back to the door. As he stepped out into the hallway, he was almost instantly greeted by: COLDFURY: [from off-stage] ROE! At least I have found you! Now you will learn the true meaning of vengeance at the hands of the Number #1 Taunting Legend Dan Fan Extraordinaire, Cooooooldfury! Your beignet-eating ass is MIIIIINE! ROE: Eep! Roe did the only logical thing when one is confronted by an angry Dan Hibiki fanboy who is bearing down on you with a strangling cord. He ran. (Actually, it was just the cable to a Playstation controller, but Roe didn't know that. See, it's one of them dramatic misunderstanding things.) As Roe charged off down the hallway, with Fury chasing closely behind him, a third figure made his presence known on the scene. One of Omi's bishounen, who had somehow managed to get off his leash, snuck down the hall. Curious as a lost kitten who's first managed to get out of the house into the yard, he stuck his head into the room Roe had just left. BISHOUNEN: Oooh! A button! The bishounen pressed the button. When it failed to do anything, he blinked vacuously. "Why didn't it do anything?" he asked no one in particular. He cried. He had a shiny red candy-like button, and all he could do was press it. So he did. BISHOUNEN: This thing is busted! Wah! He pressed it again. "This sucks," he whined. The bishounen pressed the button repeatedly, pointing the remote control at everything in the room. And still nothing seemed to happen. BISHOUNEN: Ah well. I guess it's just meant to do nothing! *presses the button* "I think I'll keep it and hug it and call it George!" the bishounen explained. The bishounen left the room, still clicking the button, unable to even imagine the unforeseen consequences of his actions. - = - Deep, deep within the Earth's core, something was lurking. Something evil, something nasty, something that could easily DESTROY all of humanity! "Pop pop pop!" the popcorn kernels said quite happily. "Peep!" a small one cried, out of sync. The other popcorn glared at it, and it shrank back into the magma. There was silence... until the Button was pressed and another twenty metric tons of Act II Butter Lover's Microwave Popcorn popped into the center of the earth from the nothingness that was... well... nothing. And the popcorn rejoiced, and they started the happy popping dance again! Yay! Pop pop pop! - = - ImproParty 41: In Space, No One Can Hear You 'Wai!' by John Whorfin and John Smallberries errr... by Ardweden and Ravi Hosted by Improfanfic Started by Woofer - = - Ardweden was dead. Very dead. Dead, dead, dead. Well, no, not really. Just wanted to get your attention. See, it's usually a good rule or writing to start a piece (or a scene) with something like that, so the audience is immediately curious about what's going on and is drawn in- Ow! Okay, okay. On with the scene. Ardweden wasn't dead, but she *was* gone, and someone had to pay. That someone had a name. That someone had a face. That someone also had a Social Security number, but giving away *that* sort of detail is very risky, especially in these days of online fraud. The figure clad all in black snuck up behind his unsuspecting prey. He'd been waiting for this moment for a long while now... the chance to wreak vengeance upon the one who had stolen his one and only chance for True Happiness. (Hey, look... this is how *he* sees the situation, 'kay? You know that ain't true, and so do I, but that's just how it works.) In front of a big-screen television and oblivious to the world, his target was sitting. He and Roe were both completely caught up in their game. The target had even put his reputation on the line, actually playing as Dan. He'd never lost as Dan before. But that was all going to change. The Urban Ninja stole forward, carefully stepping over a pile of empty pizza boxes. He used his Mad Ninja Action Skillz (Area: Urban specialty) to stay out of sight until the critical moment -- Coldfury launching into a vicious combo of taunts. Halfway through the sequence, the Urban Ninja (also known as Montae to the less fortunate, as well as the merely clueless) darted forward, grabbing hold of the controller's cord and yanking it back, rendering Coldfury suddenly helpless to Roe's brutal onslaught. Coldfury yelped impotently as Edmund Honda bitchslapped Dan into next Thursday. Deep within Coldfury's mind, something slipped. Some minor revelation gave way to a larger one, then a larger one, and again and so forth, the thoughts cascading and crescendoing in his mind until he came to one inexorable conclusion. It was so clear, so crystal clear. How could he not have realized it before? His life before this time had all been an illusion! Coldfury stood up, bowling Roe over. He raised a tightly clenched fist before him and shook it vigorously. "I... AM... DAN HIBIKI!!!" he declared. Roe snickered. "Oh, no... you're not weaseling out of this one! Your perfect record is *gone*!" Coldfury shook his head. "I'm Dan Hibiki." "No, you're not, Chris. You're Coldfury." "I'm Dan Hibiki." Montae facepalmed. "I think he's lost it," he said, accidentally giving himself away -- his Mad Ninja Skillz were still in effect, y'know. Roe looked up, surprised to find someone else there. "Urk! I have been discovered! Ninja... Vanish!" The Urban Ninja, not surprisingly, vanished. It was, after all, a fairly good description of the technique he'd used. Roe turned back to Coldfury, who had somehow changed into a bright pink gi. Coldfury was flexing and stretching, posing mightily. "I'm Dan Hibiki." "Um... Fury?" Coldfury turned to face Roe and shook a fist at him. "OYAJIIIIIIII!" Roe saw the look in Fury's eyes and realized that his friend wasn't just taking things a it too far... he really was far gone. - = - [The living room of Chez Impro. It is a standard living room, with couches, carpeting, a television, video games, people running through it, and a large metal thingamajig sitting in the corner. Dan walks in with a toolbox.] DAN: Ah, here it is. [kneels next to the device, muttering as he takes out a screwdriver] Why we have a subspace transponder is beyond me, but- [Pink liquid is dumped on Dan.] DAN: [sputters] Ack! [wipes some of the liquid off, but the pinkness remains] What is this stuff? VOICE: We got him! [Delfina and Zrith enter the living room. Delfina is practically jumping with joy.] DELFINA: We caught him, we caught him! ZRITH: Hey Dan. DAN: What's going on?! ZRITH: Well, we're part of a group called the Dan Fans, and- DELFINA: We needed a mascot! And now we have one! DAN: ... DELFINA: [cute girl sparkly eyes] You *will* be our mascot, won't you, Dan? Look, you're pink! Even your name fits! DAN: ... ZRITH: It won't be so bad, we promise. DAN: You're all a bunch of degenerates! ZRITH: Oh, really? What about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O? DAN: You did not! ZRITH: [turning to Delfina] This is true. DAN: [also turning to Delfina] I think he confused me with Omi. DELFINA: [blinks] Omi? [Omi no Miko runs by, carrying a bowl filled to the brim with grape Jell-O.] OMI: Heeeeeey! I was hot and I was hungry! Besides... oop! [Omi slips and falls forward. The bowl hits the ground, and Jell-O goes flying everywhere.] OMI: I'm so sorry. I just slipped and... hmm. [Omi pulls up the bottom of her shirt. Zrith and Dan valiantly try to fight off nosebleeds. They mostly succeed. Delfina rolls her eyes.] OMI: Hey, it worked! DAN: What worked? OMI: My special belly-button-seeking grape Jell-O! Wai! [Everyone checks their belly buttons.] DELFINA: Eew. DAN: I never thought I'd have grape Jell-O stuck in my belly button. Then again, I never thought I'd be dyed pink, either. ZRITH: I can't get it out. DELFINA: This is so gross! OMI: Oops. [giggles nervously and pokes at her own belly button] I think I made it a little too strong. Hang on, I'll go make an antidote. ZRITH: You mean you don't already have one? OMI: Ah... um... no? [The angered partiers loom over Omi. She takes a few steps back.] OMI: Aheh. I'mgonnaworkonitrightnowthoughbye! [Omi runs up the stairs, a cloud of dust trailing her. Steven Scougall, who was lurking the entire time, snickers.] DELFINA: [blinks at Steve] What's so funny? [Steve chokes back an alarmingly girlish giggle and clears his throat.] STEVE: [smiling widely] Nothing. [Dan and Zrith eye Steve.] DAN: Suuuuure. ZRITH: I don't see why you're so happy. You got grape Jell-O stuck in your belly button too, didn't you? [Steve's smile shifts to an I-Know-Something-You-Don't-Know smile as he starts walking away.] ZRITH: ... DAN: ... DELFINA: [grabs a mallet from Hammerspace] Let's get him. STEVE: Meep. - = - And now, a word from our sponsors. [A small, dark brown girl with green hair steps onto a wooden stage, and a spotlight flickers on. She clears her throat and begins singing.] GIRL: Choco chip is really great! Choco chip is really neat! Choco chip can cause head wounds! Choco chip is such a treat! [She pauses and grabs a glass of water. After taking a drink, she continues] GIRL: It cures world hunger! It cures madness! It's got caffeine! It even fixes sadness! [She smiles and takes a bite of a chocolate chip cookie to demonstrate] GIRL: Choco chip cookies are where it's at! Eat them now, or I'll... uh... drat. [She sighs] GIRL: I forgot my lines. [After muttering and pacing back and forth, she pauses and looks up at the camera, then frowns] GIRL: Turn it OFF! [She leaps at the camera, teeth bared. It clatters and shows a nice view of the floor as we hear screaming] VOICE OVER: Brought to you by GnollCorp. Featuring only the best in whatever they're selling. - = - WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR 1950's SCIENCE-FICTION CLASSIC, ALREADY IN PROGRESS - = - Montae sat on the steps outside of Chez Impro and moped. Yes, that was the right word for it. Moped. He was moping, of course, about his failed marriage to Ardweden and was further moping (making it a super dooper double mope) about his inability to find Her. After all, they had a wedding to finish, but it was awfully difficult when the bride couldn't be found. He'd gotten revenge on the person responsible for the failure of his marriage. Well, okay, so it was the person responsible for the failure of the *wedding*, but hey, same diff, no? And then... ah, then! He saw her in the distance! Her shining hair, her sparkling brown eyes, and she was even still wearing her wedding dress! He leapt to his feet and ran forward! Oh yeah, and he stopped moping. "Ardweden, my love!" "*Your* love?" He skidded to a halt and blinked. "Well... yeah." And then, out of the bushes, stepped... MECHALINK. HE STEPPED CLOSELY TO MONTAE'S SUPP- oops, sorry. Hit the caps lock. Anyway, he stepped closely to Montae's supposed wife-to-be, and took her had. "She's married to me!" Mechalink declared. "Is not!" "Is too!" "You married the Weight-of-Ard doll!" "No, *you* married the Weight-of-Ard doll!" "I did not! I didn't even get married!" Before this could continue further, Coyote called across the lawn, "Can't you guys settle this *without* getting into a shouting match? You're ruining our game of beach crobadvolbas-ball!" "Okay!" Mechalink called. "No problem!" Montae agreed. They glared daggers at each other, then nodded and went inside, the Weight-of-Ardweden doll trailing behind them. The moment they set foot on the cool linoleum floor of the breakfast area, they wheeled on each other, hissing and snarling. Mechalink grinned. "_I_ am not only known for being a perverse and sick individual, I have won awards for it!" "Take your chicken balls and snort them," Montae retorted derisively. "I do think I detect a note of envy in your voice!" Mechalink proclaimed, a smile growing on his face. Well, he was already smiling. It got bigger. "I despise you." "Likewise." The two Ard-lovers (not to be confused with The Two Coreys) glared at each other some more. The author would like to point out that if this were H! flash, there would be a moment of HOT PSEUDOYAOI ACTION right here. But this isn't, alas. Back to the story at hand. "[RAGE]," spoke a hissed voice. Mecha and Montae wheeled in surprise, looks of shock growing on their faces. Sporkachu spoke first. "Y- y- you!" He backpedaled. "Why?" "[DIE]." They did. Messily. Actually, they didn't, because at this point, Ardweden realized that Ravi was just cut and pasting a scene out of Impro Party #29, and just changing the names around. Five fists to the stomach later, Ravi sat down and wrote what *really* happened. Namely that Mechalink and Montae were shouting at each other, causing most of the bar patrons to flee. They could sense the impending DOOM, and did not want to risk the sanctity of their mint juleps. Well, except for Ura. That kitty was so plastered that he couldn't... oh damn, I knew there was a joke there, but I lost it. CURSE YOU, FRANK NORD! Anyway... where were we? Ah yes, Mechalink and Montae were standing, three paces apart and glaring at each other. They were at a standstill, since Mecha knew of Montae's MAD SKEELZ and Montae knew of Mecha's wily unpredictability. A bead of sweat rolled down Mechalink's forehead as he stared down Montae. (Contrary to misconception, Mechalink is not in any way, shape, or form, robotic. He's human. He just gets major wood over mecha. No, I don't want to know about it either.) "Have at thee!" Montae declared, lunging at Mecha, suddenly. It wasn't very ninja-like, but someone had to do something, or else we'd be here all day. With his right hand, he reached out and grabbed the nearest item at hand. Mecha, realizing the bodily harm about to be done upon his person, reached out and grabbed something too. He winced as it squished slightly in his hand. Iron Chef Chen Kenichi sighed, wondering how exactly he was going to explain to HottCoffee and BlackMage that their pickled swordfish a la mode had been stolen by a pair of hooligans who were currently using them to practice modern speed-acupuncture. He blinked as one of them missed the other and ended up chopping a bar stool in two. Chen Kenichi tugged on his collar and hurried back to the kitchen. He had a nice bottle of Glenfidditch hidden somewhere with his name all over it. If he were drunk, he couldn't fill the order, after all. Meanwhile, back in the dining area, Mechalink and Montae were clashing furiously, weaving and bobbing, each trying to skewer the other with their aquatic armament. The fight was non-conclusive; Montae would thrust, only to be parried by Mecha. Mechalink would sweep at Montae's neck, but Montae would duck under the glinting blade. And so it proceeded. Thrust. Dodge. Swipe. Parry. Macarena. Lunge. Counter. The action had moved out of the house, onto the porch, and back again to the front yard. Sweat was pouring off both Mechalink and Montae under the hot California sun, a fact that was not lost upon the crowds of admiring female observers who had gathered around the duel. Among the crowd of female fans was the Weight-of-Ardweden doll, who was happily jumping and clapping at the spectacle. She probably would have been wai'ing as well, but hey, she's a *doll*. She can't talk. She probably would have liked that ability, so that she would have able to scream when she got too close to the action, and had her head lopped off when Montae made a risky wide arc with the nose of his weapon. "You killed Ardweden-chan-kami-sama!" Mechalink screamed. "You BASTARD!" Montae was devastated. His darling Ardweden was sprawled out on the floor, spilling her precious corn kernel innards out all over his feet... The tears sprung to his eyes, clouding his vision. Why?! It was so unfair! Hold on a sec. Corn kernel innards? The real Ardweden wasn't made of corn! If she was cut into itty bitty bits, she'd be spewing blood and guts and entrails (can't forget the entrails!). But no, this Ardweden was erupting corn and cotton fluff and nothing even resembling gore. Montae's ninja sensibilities were a bit offended, but he was glad he hadn't offed Ardweden. She was, after all, a really hot chick and a bitchin' writer. Oh, and she had a pretty nice personality, too. [Editor's note: Ravi wrote that bit. Honest. I punched him. A lot.] "Hark!" spake Mechalink. "If mine eyes doth not deceive me, then this truly was the Weight-of-Ardweden doll!" "Aye verily," replied the noble Montae. "Well, I feel like a dupe." "Aye, verily." "So now what do we do?" Montae smirked. "We have to get even with Coldfury. It's a moral imperative." "Oookay. How about in a bit. I don't wanna get vengeance right now." "Sounds good to me. Say, wanna go get a beer?" "Hey, that sounds good! A beer!" "Many beers!" "MANLY beers!" The assembled crowd of nubile and scantily clad females blinked in disbelief as the two men walk off, clapping each other on the shoulders and laughing loudly. Montae and Mechalink stopped at the bar to grab a couple of beers. Ravi conveniently looked the other way and didn't card Mechalink, which is a NO-NO!! Underage drinking is BAD BAD BAD! The two new friends raised their bottle in cheers, then sat down upon two conveniently located bumps in the sand. They smiled, laughed, and twisted the caps as one. It was at this point in time that the humps in the ground under them exploded -- yes, exploded -- and they were sent flying into the air. Montae couldn't help but notice the mouth-watering scent of delicious theatre-style butter as he was launched skyward. "Looks like Team M&M is blasting off agaaaaaaain!" "Since when were we a team?" "Oh, shut up and play along!" Mechalink scowled, just before they crashed through the roof of the house and landed in a kiddie pool full of mashed potatoes. - = - ALL ORANGE AND NO PLAY MAKES ARDWEDEN A DULL GIRL. ALL ORANGE AND NO PLAY MAKES ARDWEDEN A DULL GIRL. ALL ORANGE AND NO PLAY MAKES ARDWEDEN A DULL GIRL. ALL ORANGE AND NO PLAY MAKES ARDWEDEN A DULL GIRL. ALL ORANGE AND NO PLAY MAKES ARDWEDEN A DULL GIRL. ALL ORANGE AND NO PLAY MAKES ARDWEDEN A DULL GIRL. ALL ORANGE AND NO PLAY MAKES ARDWEDEN A DULL GIRL. ALL ORANGE AND NO PLAY MAKES ARDWEDEN A DULL GIRL. ALL ORANGE AND NO PLAY MAKES ARDWEDEN A DULL GIRL. ALL ORANGE AND NO PLAY MAKES ARDWEDEN A DULL GIRL. ALL ORANGE AND NO PLAY MAKES ARDWEDEN A DULL GIRL. ALL ORANGE AND NO PLAY MAKES ARDWEDEN A DULL GIRL. ALL ORANGE AND NO PLA-urk! Sorry about that, folks. Next time, we'll switch to Sprite. ^_^; - = - A man -- let us call him "Todd" -- enters the living room. Normally, he would not wander into certain areas of Chez Impro; this one included. The television was usually set to the twenty-four hour professional wrestling channel, which while appreciated by a large number of people, was not what everyone was looking for to achieve satisfaction. But today, Todd is stricken by a force most powerful, that of Curiosity. This sense of idle wonderment, triggered when he witnessed two of his friends being blown to smithereens in a cloud of popped corn, leads him to this chamber, to attempt to glean information from that most venerable of sources: Headline News. He stops behind the sofa. The room is filled with people, as is usually the case, but the channel is no longer locked on the images of overweight sweaty men beating each other senseless. Look now, to the screen. [A woman stands in front of a volcano, popcorn and smoke erupting into the clear, blue sky. She holds a hand to one ear, as if listening to something, then brings the microphone to her mouth.] WOMAN: [plastic smile] As we can see, the Cascade Mountains are bustling with activity -- namely, they're erupting a substance scientists have identified as Act II Butter Lover's Microwave Popcorn. Why it isn't light or regular is a mystery, but the fact remains that locals are panicking as- [There is a click, and the woman and mountain disappears, only to be replaced by a black man wearing a suit and holding a microphone to his mouth, wearing the same smile the woman was just a moment ago. In the background, a different mountain spews popcorn.] MAN: -law enforcement is trying to evacuate the area as the popcorn menace in Burkina Faso continues. Most are doing so, though a few people are staying for an extra snack, or so they- [Another click, and a young man with glasses and a panicky look appears in front of a popcorn-spewing geyser.] YOUNG MAN: I- JOHN: Hey! Why'd you change the channel? We were *trying* to watch Survivor reruns! GREG: I think this popcorn thing is a little more important than that. JOHN: Why you... not even the end of the world is going to get in the way of my entertainment! CHAOS: Squall-kun, these are re-runs... JOHN: So? [Scuffling and not-so-nice words drown out the sound of the increasingly panicked young man on the screen. The geyser pushes forwards more and more popcorn, and eventually he runs off right when there's another click.] [Black.] Todd shakes his head, dons his hat (betcha didn't know he was wearing one!), and continues out the doorway. - = - Myth stretched lazily, arching her back as she yawned. She scowled as a host of nameless baka sukebe lurker males immediately started ogling her. Picking up the toaster oven, she tossed it one-handed in their general direction. She smirked with a sense of satisfaction at the warm squishy noise when it hit home. Myth was, unfortunately, bored. This was not good, considering boredom tended to lead to seeking entertainment, which usually lead to Interesting Times, and Interesting Times were generally Not Much Fun At All, and if you're wondering why I am using so many capital letters, you're just going to have to Figure It Out Yourself. She noticed a small scrap of paper crumpled up on the floor, sitting on the ground under the chair next to her. She ducked down and picked it up. She grinned widely as she read it off. "A map to a Top-Sekrit Undefined Materia?" she said out loud. Why, with a blank Materia, she could do almost anything! She leaped up to her feet and happily skipped over to the basement door. Myth was down the stairs before you could say "impish impetuousness". She reached to flick on the light switch, but wasn't able to find one. It was pitch dark, so much so that she had difficulty finding the floor. It probably would have been wise to go back upstairs and get a flashlight or a lamp or a candle, but Myth was rather stubborn. She just pressed forward, feeling her way along the wall. And then she was eaten by a grue. - = - And now an excerpt from an upcoming Scholastic Press publication! Coming Soon to a Bookstand near you: "Harry Potter and the Ornery Avian" What Harry feared most was that they might not be able to find the right path back down the mountainside. They had to climb very slowly and would have to go even slower the next day, now that Ron had shattered his leg. They had tried leaving a string behind to mark the path, but when they attempted to retrace it, they wound up hopelessly lost, wandering the crags for nearly two hours. The mountain had thought of everything. "It's *cold*," Ron protested. "Let's forget this. We can just go back." "No!" Harry said. "It's just ahead. I know it is!" Ron opened his mouth to protest, but then a stupid-looking gnome skipped by them, bouncing happily. "There!" Harry shouted upon spotting the gnome. Harry nearly let Ron fall to the ground, but remembered his friend's bad leg just in time. They followed the gnome across the rocks and up to the entrance to a dark cave. Ron was about to moan that he couldn't go any further, but Harry wouldn't hear it. "Come on, we're finally here!" They stepped into the shadows cloaking the mouth of the cave. Harry reached into his pocket to try to find a Glow Bulb, but remembered that they had been lost when his pants had been stolen by that Romanian dragon. He wondered how he'd managed to avoid feeling the chill. It turned out not to matter, because within ten paces there was an exit, illuminated by a glow from outside. Quickening his pace, Harry left his friend behind and hurried out into the light. Harry found himself in a small clearing, perhaps thirty feet across. In the centre was the object of his search, the fabled Phoenix. The large bird was sitting atop a low pedestal, looking down at Harry in that particularly annoying manner that only grammar teachers have mastered. "You know what I want," Harry said. The phoenix grunted. "I know your weakness, I do!" He glared at the phoenix. The phoenix yawned and lowered his Heckler and Koch CAW and filled the hapless sorcerer-in-training full of little bitty holes. The Phoenix turned to his gnome companion and scratched his beak. "What's for lunch?" The gnome looked at Ron, who had just now come into the clearing, and licked his lips. "Nummy." - = - WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR 1950's SCIENCE-FICTION CLASSIC, ALREADY IN PROGRESS - = - A thin, short girl padded quietly down the corridor. She was wearing a Skuld costume, complete with telescoping mallet, and it fit her well. Almost too well, one might swear. But the girl didn't have time to really think about all that. She was on a Mission. DELFINA: [turning to audience] I'm hunting Cowdfuwy. ^_^ [turning back] Now whewe could he have gotten off to? Delfina stopped in front of a door and pressed her ear to it, listening carefully. Convinced something was inside the room, she grabbed the door handle and yanked it open. The body of Myth tumbled out toward her. DELFINA: EEEEEK! Delfina screamed in shock, but still caught Myth's gnawed and chewed-upon body. Supporting it carefully, she drags it from the closet. DELFINA: I wonder how it got-- COLDFURY: [shouting] DOUSHITA DOUSHITA! Coldfury screamed as he ran past Delfina, powerposing all the while. Del blinked, almost dropping the body. Hefting her mallet over her head, Delfina swung it down at Coldfury, only to have him dodge and run off. Muttering to herself, she charged affter him. DELFINA: Get back here, Dan Hibiki! We need you, you hoser! Unseen by Delfina, a figure in navy blue snuck out into the hall, grabbed Myth's body, and absconded with it. Whether or not this was Eslington is up to you to decide. Whether or not he had any necrophiliac designs upon... errr, let's not go there. Next scene! - = - Lady Brick stood in the foyer, looking first into the sitting room, then up the stairs. She sighed loudly. There was no one to be found anywhere. This was not really all that surprising. The revelation that the world was going to be blowing up Real Soon Now had everyone in a bit of a panic. People the world around were all busily making preparations. The leaders of all the world's major religions had called for everyone to begin praying for forgivenness of their worldly sins, and for deliverance. This request was, of course, pretty much ignored by the world's population. People were too busy getting in the things they always wanted to do. Making last minute trips to distant wilderness locations, getting ahold of long-lost relatives and estranged family members, or even just splurging on goods they had always wanted. And then there was the most popular activity for preparing for the end of the world. Namely, sex. Lots of it. All around the planet, people were getting in that last bit of sweet, sweet lovin', knowing that pretty soon, there really wouldn't be anything else to do. Once news had spread around Chez Impro, pretty much everyone has disappeared. Some of the Party staff had made the announcement that people weren't to leave the house, but a lot of people had done so anyway. Lady Brick was not one of them. Admittedly, she had been too busy trying to beat the last level of Kouji's dungeon in the H!flash RPG to notice people trickling out of the house. When she finally managed to get to the end boss (a monstrous beast made of crocheted lingerie) and defeat him, she was all alone in the game room. There was a noise behind her. Turning around, Brick saw three nondescript guys walking toward her. Or rather, toward the door, which was next to her. They were carrying the usual things carried by a trio of well-meaning young men out to have good wholesome fun: baseball bats, ski masks, and packets of instant Kool-Aid. "Where are you guys going?" Lady Brick asked. "We're going out!" Brick blinked. "But the world is ending!" "So?" "Didn't they say to stay in the house?" "Yup! But we don't want to miss out on the fun!" "The fun?" Lady Brick narrowed her eyes and stared at the implements of deeeestruction. "Yeah, we're gonna go raping!" the first one exclaimed. "... and looting!" the second added. "... and pillaging!" the third one finished. "(But more of the later two, because rape is non-wai,)" the first guy said, parenthetically. "(Remember that, gentle reader. Or else Lady Brick will come after you with a large stick with a nail in it.)" "It'll be fun! Wanna join us?" Lady Brick eyebrowtwitched. Then she eyebrowtwitched some more. Reaching into her back pocket, she found a stale peanut butter cookie. "Hold still, boys," she said, grinning ferally. "This won't hurt much." "It won't?" the second guys asked, blinking in confusion. "No, I lied. It will." "Aiiiiieeeeee!" - = - [Chez Impro - Basement] [ARDWEDEN, RAVI, and PHOEBE are busy making plans for the impending apocalypse. Actually, Ravi is telling Ardweden and Phoebe what to do, because Ardweden would rather hide under her blanket, and Phoebe would rather be doing other things under *her* blanket. With Ravi. Which was somewhat distracting, but not all that much. He was used to it by now.] RAVI: Oh, good. The lights are on. PHOEBE: What would happen if there weren't? ARDWEDEN: We would be likely to be eaten by a grue. RAVI: And that would be very non-wai. ARDWEDEN: So what are we supposed to do again? RAVI: Umm... Take all of those cannisters of cola out of the basement. PHOEBE: And why are we doing this again? RAVI: Sore wa-URK!!! [Ravi removes his left sandal from his mouth] PHOEBE: You were saying? [Ravi sweatdrops and pulls out a set of blueprints] RAVI: Fuel. ARDWEDEN: Fuel? RAVI: [nodding] Fuel. Mark Poa apparently developed a special engine that runs off of caffeine. ARDWEDEN: Weeeeeird. [Ravi shrugs, then folds up the blueprints.] RAVI: Aaaanyway, Chris and Calc worked it out. We have just enough fuel for our rockets to break the earth's gravity, assuming we start up the Caffeine Overthrusters about half a mile up. PHOEBE: Where are we getting the energy for liftoff, then? We can't keep a cord attached to the San Diego power grid. In ninety minutes, there won't *be* a San Diego power grid. RAVI: Well, from what I understand, the initial thrust is generated by a thousand and four tuataras on hamster wheels. Those are located in what is now the sub-basement. [Phoebe gets an odd look in her eyes. Ravi sidles away. Ardweden snickers.] RAVI: Anyway, I've gotta go upstairs and makes sure people stay calm. They get antsy without booze. [Ravi leaves up the stairs.] PHOEBE: Yosh! Let's get these cans down to the sub-basement! [Phoebe and Ardweden start loading cannisters of various cola syrups onto hand trucks. They are carting them through a room with lots of complicated looking machines.] PHOEBE: Wah! I wanted to see the cute little tuataras! ARDWEDEN: Well, I'm sure there's a good reason for them being locked up behind three feet of lead. I just can't think what it might be. [Phoebe pouts, then spots something] PHOEBE: Why is that watermelon there? ARDWEDEN: I'll tell you later. PHOEBE: Haaaaaai. [They continue moving the syrup, unaware of the true plot at hand] - = - 'Be Prepared' -- Not just the motto of the Boy Scouts of America, it's a good idea. Be prepared for what? Well, for any damn thing that may come your way. Some people tend to ignore this advice, and run into far more trouble than they really needed to. On the other hand, others take this advice to an irrational extreme, laying out complicated contingency plans in the case of something going wrong. Such was the case with Chez Impro. When the building was being duplicated for usage as a site for the Improfanfic Party, many redundant systems and backup plans were put into effect, on the off chance that most anything might happen when you get a few score wild and out-of-control Impro authors together in one place. Granted, some things were not expected, like the deaths of a few of the partygoers and the staff, but there were mechanisms in place to deal with them. Hence the cloning vats. Perhaps the most unnecessary addition to the house plans were about to be called into usage now. You see, the claim that the Party staff was going to send rockets up into space was a bit of a misdirection. There were no multi-stage rockets waiting to carry the Partygoers safely into space. No, the vessel of deliverance from the dying Earth was Chez Impro itself. Someone flipped a switch. Perhaps it was Roe, perhaps it was Calculus. It really isn't that important who did the deed. It was the resulting action that is relevent. With a shudder, the house near the beach began an awesome tranformation, folding in on itself in some places and stretching out in others. The living room popped outward, propped up on a cantilever that was formerly part of the foyer. Parts of the second floor lowered themselves to fill in the gaps, the basement rising up and integrating with the rest of the ground floor. Even the cars and trucks parked outside were integrated into the design, as they were pulled into the rapidly expanding garage and rebuilt into starfighters. When all was said and done, Chez Impro was something altogether different, no longer the lovely cookie-cutter suburban residence it had started as. It was freedom. It was also big. Really big. The Partygoes would soon discover unknown wonders, such as the cavernous bath house, the dance hall, the observation deck, and the Frungy playing field. (FRUNGY! FRUNGY! FRUNGY!) The computers running the system began the countdown, triggering the ignition. Large extension cords leeched power from the city's electrical system, charging giant capacitors in the engine room-that-was-previously- the-basement. On command, the trained tuataras began to run, spurred on by the promise of free HBO and their own planet. With a roar, Chez Impro rose into the heavens. - = - And then there was a boom. Actually, there shouldn't be one. See, when something explodes in space, there is no boom, as it were, because there's no air for sound to travel through. But for the sake of our special effects crews (that work very hard, even if this is just text), we're gonna have a boom. BOOM! See, wasn't that satisfying? Why does this boom exist, you might ask? Well, it's because of the popcorn, of course! After whole *hours* of pushing and pushing and pop-pop-popping, they finally broke free of their imprisonment in the earth's center! They were free! Free! FREE! And so they floated into space, continuing their popping. Or they would, if there were any sound in space. - = - [Dan and Roe stare out a window, watching the stars, moon, and suspicious lack of Earth.] DAN: We're... in... space. ROE: Yeah. DAN: We're... in... space. ROE: Yeah. DAN: We're... in... space. [Roe thwaps Dan.] DAN: Ow. ROE: I get the point already. [They stare for a bit longer.] DAN: Hey, who's flying this thing? ROE: I dunno. I thought it was you. DAN: [blinks] I thought it was you! ROE: I hope it's not Coldfury. DAN: Urk. [They exchange glances, then run to the living room, which no longer looks like a living room. Well, not quite. The couches have been replaced by chairs, the desks have been replaced by terminals, and a huge monitor dominates an entire wall, though there's still a Playstation and Dreamcast plugged in. In short, it looks like a bridge.] ROE: [gaping] It's a bridge. [Dan nods. They exchange glances again.] ROE: I get the captain's chair. DAN: No, *I* get the captain's chair. I have seniority. ROE: So says the pink wonder! DAN: Hey, I- [The chair swivels around, and Dan and Roe gape as Twoflower glares at them from his seat.] TWOFLOWER: Neither of you gets the captain's chair. DAN: [blink] Twoflower? TWOFLOWER: That's *Captain* Twoflower to you, Dan! Now get thee to a gunnery (station)! DAN: Uh... sure! I guess I get to control the weapons systems. [sits on a chair near the back] TWOFLOWER: Roe! ROE: [straightens] Yes? TWOFLOWER: Contact the other staff members! We have to fill all stations. Oh yeah, and you can be navigation. Anyone else on the staff gets to be security. ROE: [grins] Yes, Captain. [sits on a chair near the front and presses a bunch of miscellaneous buttons] [Calculus' face appears on-screen.] ROE: Wow. That didn't take long. CALCULUS: [smiles] Hey guys. TWOFLOWER: Calculus! Why aren't you here? CALCULUS: I'm in the engineering room. And I'm not going up there! TWOFLOWER: You're not? CALCULUS: Nope. I'm perfectly happy where I am. I have everything I could ever want. Don't worry, I'll fulfill all engineering and maintenance duties. DAN: You can't just cut yourself from humanity like this! Think of your wife! CALCULUS: I have! She downloaded herself into the computer! [Everyone in the livi- er, bridge blinks.] ROE: The... computer? [Calculus nods rapidly.] DAN: I think he's lost it. - = - Takeshi grits his teeth as he ducks down behind a toppled pillar. Clutched in his left hand is his palmtop computer, which he is currently using to spit out the analysis of the battlefield. His compatriot crouches down beside him wordlessly. Above the two, standing atop an obelisk of purest starburst-patterned crystal, Lady Erika is laughing loudly. "Bwahahahahahah!" she laughs, seeming not to notice the two men sneaking up behind her. Well, the man and the boy, but it's just easier to call them men. 'Two males' sounds so silly, and 'two boys' is insulting to Soshi. Which is a no-no, even if it *is* fun. Takeshi and Soshi turn and nod at each other, standing as one. Takeshi is holding a special-edition Lynx Fighter Team Aleph Zero boomerang in his right hand. He raises it above his head and powerposes. "You should know better than that, Lady Erika!" Takeshi proclaims, imitating the pose that Tokou makes in episode 32 of Voltage Force V. You know, the one right after the death of Sanjuro? Oh wait, that was a spoiler, wasn't it? Gomen, gomen! "Curse you!" Erika shouts, trying to cast a fireball before she is nearly perforated by the impending hail of bullets. [screen fades to...] They're smart! They're deadly! They're.... GEEKS WITH GUNS!!!!! Coming soon, to a chibi near you! - = - WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR 1950's SCIENCE-FICTION CLASSIC, ALREADY IN PROGRESS - = - Falcon and Cham sat idly on a couch in the newly relocated living room watching spinning fragments of what was once the Earth float past the window. "That was a hell of an explosion, Falc." "That it was, Cham." "In fact, I think it's safe to say that the Earth has never seen its like before." Falcon eyed Cham askance. "... Yes.... especially considering that the Earth has never really BLOWN UP before." "Well, I was taking that as a given." "... Right." Time passed, as it has the bad habit of doing. More fragments floated by. More time passed. Then Cham reached over and poked his companion in the head. "Ne, Falc. I'm bored." "As if I expected anything different out of you. Look, it's not like there's much to do. Everybody's still pretty shaken up from the whole explosion." "Well, then that's their problem. I'm still BORED." Falc sighed. "I don't know, Cham. Try identifying where each of those fragments came from." "I already HAVE," Cham griped. He pointed at a particularly large piece just outside the window. "That one's from Bolivia." That earned another stare from Falc. "How in the hell do you figure that?" "Look at it. That particular strain of grass only grows in the southern Americas. And that specific type of vine grows only in the three-mile area outside of Covacongaka, a small grass hut town located in Bolivia." Falcon's stare continued, and one of those uncomfortable silences occurred. "What the HELL? How do you KNOW this stuff? I mean, I'm good at trivia too, but come ON..." Cham shrugged. "Hey. I know my plants." "Far too well, it appears." Silence. More silence. More fragments. I don't know about you, but I'M sensing a pattern here. "Falc?" "Yes, Cham?" Cham stood up and began pacing. "We need to get OUT." Falc, noting the empty space on the couch, quickly stretched out in case Cham decided to reclaim his spot. "And just HOW do you propose going about this?" "Well, how else does one get about in space? We need a SHIP!" Cham leaped onto the back of the couch and posed dramatically. Falc sweatdropped. "And.... how do you propose we get one?" "We build one, of course! Don't you know ANYTHING about space travel?" "Yeah. I know we need lots of power and lots of metal. And I know we don't have any of either." "Aww, we can work around that. We'll mine asteroids or something. Now. The key to any good spaceship is...?" Falc paused for a second, thoughtfully. "Structure." Now it was Cham's turn to stare at Falcon. "What are YOU smoking? The key to any good spaceship is DESIGN." "Oh. How silly of me to have forgotten." "Now. What do we make it look like? "We could always pull something out of an anime..." Falc suggested. Cham grimaced. "And have people call us unoriginal?" "Well, what do you suggest?" "A ship shaped like a wombat!" "... No." "Awwwww! Why NOT?" "Because it's OUR ship. Not just YOUR ship." "Fine. Crimp my artistic style." They pondered for a moment. "Well, we could use what we have on hand," Cham suggested. "And what would that be?" "CHEESE! We still have LOTS of it on hand from the cheese tasting--" "No. That is a definite no." "And why are you denying my impulses this time, my dear Falcon?" "Two reasons. One, I don't know how spaceworthy cheese is. Two, I don't want to be stuck in space with you in a ship made of your favorite food when you suddenly get a midnight snack attack." Cham thought for a moment. "Fair enough. But then what WILL we do for a ship?" The conversation lulled. Time passed some more. Yet more fragments floated past. EVEN MORE time passed, followed by more fragments, then more time, then a whole lot of fragments, and then something interesting finally happened. The wreckage of the Ragnarok floated past the window. Cham looked at Falc. Falc looked at Cham. Both of them grinned widely. - = - Samantha yawned as she walked up to the bar. The party wasn't boring... far from it. She got to see a lot of the people she only knew through text, and it was fun and exciting. Unfortunately, she spent all that time *awake*. She was getting tired. Fortunately, said bar should have had just what she needed: caffeine. And so it was with a determined yawn that Samantha trudged up to the bar. She looked blearily at the bartender (who reminded her of Ravi, for some reason), and yawned again. "Can I have a Coke?" The bartender, who reminded himself of Ravi (except for every so often, when he hit his head and lost his memory), looked her right in the eyes, held out a glass, smiled, and proclaimed, "No." "No?" "No." "No?" "Yes." "Great! Lemme have it." "I meant 'yes' to your 'no.' We have no Coke." "Um... how about Pepsi?" "All out." "Dr. Pepper?" "Don't have any of that." "Jolt?" "Nope." Rather than continue this for ten pages (much to the readers' disappointment, we're sure), Samantha just asked, "Can I have something with caffeine?" "No, but we do have 307 Lite." "What's that?" "Half the calories of 307 Ale, but still all of the one hundred fifty-three and one-half percent alcohol goodness that you've come to expect." "You're sure you don't have anything with caffeine? I'd even drink a *Tab*." "No." "What do you mean, 'no'?" "We're all out." The bartender also known as Ravi shrugged. "He's got the last can of Coke, though." He pointed over at Robin, who lifted the can to his lips for a sip. "NO! MINE!" Samantha screamed. He barely had time to jump out of the way as Samantha leapt at him. ][ HARDCORE MATCH: GRAB THE COKE ][ ROBIN vs. SAMANTHA ][ FIGHT! "Hey! What's your problem? Eep!" Robin ducked a nasty swipe from Samantha. "I... need... caffeine!" Samantha grabbed a couch cushion and started beating Robin over the head with it. Robin sweatdropped and grabbed the cushion, then tossed it helluva far. "Then why don't you get your own soda?" "They're all out!" Samantha grabbed another cushion and swung at Robin, who had enough sense to dodge. She frowned and ran forward, bowling Robin over. He let go of the can. "No!" Before either combatant (for lack of a better term) could grab the can of caffeine-laced soda goodness, Roe caught it. "This is exactly what we need!" he cackled. "The last bit of caffeine in Chez Impro! We'll really get off the ground now!" And humming a merry tune, he skipped happily away. Samantha blinked. "No more?" She sniffled, then started wailing, crying into Robin's shirt. "Silly %camper%," Robin said, clumsily patting Samantha on the shoulder. "It is %frumple% to want to be %dancing% for the %spicy% drink." Samantha stopped crying and looked up at Robin, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Can we go to the %big house% for the %happy% %games%?" Robin smiled. "Sure. Let us speak to the %slow puppies% and see if they wish to come to the %house% as well. We can perhaps ask them to %translate% and help us in our quest for more of the %spicy% drink." Robin looked pleadingly at the bartender, who shrugged. "Well, that was interesting," Ravi commented. Quistis nodded and sniffed at the counter. "%Whuffle%" - = - [Kristen Smirnov enters the bridge. She has stars in her eyes and is drooling slightly.] TWOFLOWER: Kristen! I thought you were in the computer! KRISTEN: Cuuuuuuube. ROE: [waves hand in front of Kristen's face] Kristen? Earth to Kristen. KRISTEN: [blinks, then shakes head rapidly] Huh? No... What are you talking about? DAN: Weren't you just with Calculus? KRISTEN: No, I was just marvelling over my new G4 Cuuuuuuuuuuube. [Everyone else sweatdrops.] TWOFLOWER: Er... sure. Look, we need you to pilot this thing. KRISTEN: Pilot? TWOFLOWER: Yup. KRISTEN: Would that be the chair right in front of the big screen, you know, lower right if we were on television and this was a Star Trek episode? TWOFLOWER: Uh... yeah. KRISTEN: Great! I'll do it! [hops in the pilot chair and starts playing with switches] DAN: Nice to know you take this job so seriously. KRISTEN: Serious nothing! I get to control the sound system! All Double Trouble, all the time! [The helm is filled with the sounds of "TEAM ROCKET'S ROCKIN'!" as Dan, Roe, and Twoflower collectively facefault.] - = - Cham and Falc stood, hands on hips, surveying their work. "Damn, Falc. That was a bitch to get down the stairs..." "Tell me about it. A lot worse than retrieving it out of space. I didn't know Guido was spaceworthy, either." "Llamas can hold their breath for a long, long time, Falc. Anyhoo. What are we doing to this thing?" "... I thought YOU knew." Cham sighed. "Fine, leave all the creative decisions to me. Well, everything needs replaced. EVERYTHING. The computers, the weapons systems, the main OS..." "But those are all computer related. You know I can only USE computers. And that for games only." "Hm. Well.... HEY! We need power, right? How do huge ships get power?" Falc thought. "Umm... llamas in treadmills?" Cham sweatdropped. "Come, Falc. Now is the time to be serious." "Oh. Okay then. How about an electric one?" "I said serious, Falc. Serious like ... like... LIKE A GIANT NUCLEAR REACTOR!" Falcon sighed. "And where do you suggest we get said reactor?" "You're a Chem E. You know radioactive materials. Build one." A pause. Falc cleared his throat. "You want me to build a gigantic nuclear reactor." "Yep." "From scratch." "Yep!" "... You scare me sometimes, Cham." "I must be losing my touch." Cham handed the sweatdropping Chem E a list. "Go get those items. I'll start working." Falc glanced over the list, and barely succeeded in not sweatdropping. "Why do we need crunchy peanut butter?" "Sore wa himitsu desu, my dear Falcon. Now get movin'." - = - Calculus grinned maniacally as he looked around him. "This is great! I have a year's supply of tofu, plenty of caffeine, my wife, and the most powerful computer in the known world (which, admittedly, is rather small) at my fingertips! What more could a person want?" Nobody answered. Calculus nodded and grinned some more, following a general Impro rule: silence is acceptance. He happily started plugging away at the computer, making sure everything was taken care of around the house-turned-ship. "Hello, love," the voice of Kristen Smirnov purred as the corresponding face appeared on the monitor. "Moo." Calculus flashed her a genuinely happy smile, then continued working on maintenance. "Ooh." Kristen moaned as she closed her eyes. "I do love it when you push my buttons, Cal-chan." "Guh," Calculus replied, searching valiantly through his pockets for a tissue. He blinked. Cal-chan? "Is something wrong?" Kristen asked with a sly smile. "N- no, of course not." Calculus put a hand to the back of his head and laughed nervously. "But... I mean, wouldn't you rather have James?" "James?" The Immensely Powerful Ship Computer, also known as Kristen Smirnov, blinked. "Oh! Of course not. He means nothing to me." "You mean you don't like him? Not even a teeny bit?" Calculus' eyes narrowed. "No!" Now it was Kristen's turn to laugh nervously. "Why would you think that?" "You're not Kristen!" Calculus scrambled back and grabbed a plate of tofu, holding it in a defensive position (whatever that looks like). "Curses. Foiled again." 'Kristen' pouted prettily as her hair straightened and changed color, her face become more angled, and her lips became fuller. "I suppose I couldn't have fooled you forever." "H?" Calculus gasped. "The one and only," H smirked. She reached up and out of the monitor... "Ack! Get me out, get me out!" Calculus ran up to the door and started banging on it, but nobody was there to hear. He fiddled frantically with the locks, but they were quite tightly fastened thanks to his actions earlier... and then he felt *her* pressing into his back. "Come now, Cal-chan," she murmured huskily into his ear. "Surely an eternity with me can't be *that* bad." "Meep." [Editor's note: The following was a passage consisting of gratuitous sexual content. For the sake of the reading audience, it has been excised. Suffice it to say, it was of an extremely tasteless and prurient nature, and contains several occurrences of the words 'pulsating', 'throbbing', 'turgid', and 'sluicing'. We appreciate your understanding this editorial decision. Thank you for your time.] - = - WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR 1950's SCIENCE-FIC-- Oh darn, we got ahead of ourselves. Please disregard this, folks. Nothing to see here... - = - And now, an editorial. It is the policy of this station to provide for the presentation of opposing viewpoints in a public forum by allowing for air time to be granted to those individual who wish to state their opinion. The view expressed in this segment are not necessarily those of the authors, or Improfanfic, and this chapter cannot be help liable for any comments made within. Hi. My name is Buckaroo Ricardo, and today, I'd like to say something that has been weighing my conscience for a good while now. I've gone far too long in holding my tongue, not speaking out when I saw that things weren't going well. But I was to afraid to speak out. Until now. What I may say might offend, and it might hurt. But it needs to be said. STOMP! STOMP STOMP STOMP! STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP! STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP!!! Thank you for your time. This has been an editorial, here on WIFF: Improvisational Radio for Greater Chicago. - = - WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR 1950's SCIENCE-FICTION CLASSIC, ALREADY IN PROGRESS - = - Falcon was wandering through the halls of the spacecraft, checking things off of the random list-o-junk. "... Chunky peanut butter... A computer... some MDC armor... And that leaves only one item on my list..." Falcon started, before trailing off as he looked at the end of the list, and stared blankly. "500 lb. Weapons grade plutonium." Falc blinked a few times. "Where in the hell am I going to get 500 pounds of plutonium?" This continued for a few minutes before he came to a startlingly simple conclusion. "We're screwed." - = - Delfina flicked on the basement lights and walked down the stairs, peering at the piles of debris littering the floor. Maybe Falcon and Cham and Mechalink left something behind in their hurry to explore space. Like batteries or chocolate or plushies or ice cream... Someone coughed, and Delfina blinked, breaking her stance of hands clasped together under her chin, sparkling eyes turned towards the ceiling. "Is someone down here?" she called. "Yeah," a muffled female voice replied. "Can I have some help here?" Shrugging, Delfina followed the sound of the voice until she reached an unplugged freezer. She tugged at the door, and a body tumbled out. "ACK!" Delfina jumped. "Myth?" "Duh." Myth stood and brushed herself off. "I thought you were dead!" "I was. I'm not any more." "Err...." "Well," Myth smiled, "You wanted to know." And with that, Myth breezed happily by Delfina and up the stairs. "Well!" Delfina hmphed as she folded her arms. "Not even a thank you!" "Thank you!" Myth called down the stairs. "And I found some ice cream in the freezer, if you want it. It's not melted yet." "Wai!" And all was right in Chez Impro. - = - "Um, excuse me, Coldfury, do you know where I can ge--" Falc started to say, before getting a eyeful of manly forearm. "OOSHA! Fear the mighty taunting might of DAN!" Coldfury said, before he rolled backwards away from Falcon. Falcon sweatdropped slightly. "Um... right. I fear, ColdF--Dan. But do you know where I can get some weapons grade plutonium?" Coldfury shook his head, and taunted in the general direction of a group of people walking by. "No, for a true warrior needs not such dishonorable methods of defeating his enemies! A true warrior can defeat all people with their manly fists!" "Right, Dan. Well, I had better get back to searching. Have fun... taunting," he said, before walking (read, fleeing madly) down the hall away from the manly pink Fury, before bumping into someone. "Sorry, Falc." Lawrence Chu said as he helped Falcon off the ground. "Chu, great. Do YOU know where I can get some plutonium?" Falcon asked quickly. "Nope." "Perfect. How are we supposed to rebuild a ship without some weapons grade plutonium?" Lawrence looked askance at Falcon. "You're rebuilding a ship?" "Yes. Well, Cham, Mecha and I." Lawrence looked at him in pure disbelief. "Whatever. The only people I know that would have plutonium would be the admins or the real weirdos. (Not that they're mutually exclusive. That Roe is a real fruitcake, I tell ya!) And your best chance there is..." he said, as Falcon's face paled. "Shattuck." - = - THIS SPACE LEFT INTENTIONALLY BLANK - = - "Is there anyone left?" This was the question running through Falcon's head, as he stared at the door of the room Shattuck was currently in, and went though the mental list one last time. The admins were busy, Streith was gone, and that left... Falcon shook his head, and looked at the door with an expression of fear as he opened it, and saw Aaron Shattuck with a spatula, a hotpad, and a few small random animals. Aaron looked up from his handiwork and smiled. "Hiya! Want some squirrel heads?" "... no thanks," Falcon said. Focus, must focus. Plutonium. "Do you have any weapons grade plutonium?" Shattuck looked at him oddly as he popped another delicious morsel into his mouth. "Never mind," the defeated almost-engineer said as he started walking away. "We'll just have to do it without--" *WHAM* Falcon jumped up in the air, surprised, before turning around to look at Shattuck. "What was that?" he said, before looking at the box lying on the floor. "WARNING: One box of Weapons Grade Plutonium. Not for resale." Falcon blinked at the symbol covered box as Shattuck opened it up. "So, how much ya need? And can I help detonate it?" - = - [Jake Wallace enters the bridge to the music of Double Trouble and blinks as everyone stares at him.] JAKE: Hi guys? DAN: [tears streaming down his cheeks] You're here! I thought you were dead, man! Dead! JAKE: Uh... no? DAN: [regains composure] Oh. That's good. KRISTEN: Team Rocket's Rockin'! TWOFLOWER: [sweatdrop] Thank you, Ms. Smirnov. [turns to Jake] I'm afraid all positions are filled. JAKE: Oh, darn. Less work for me, then... TWOFLOWER: Except one job *nobody* wanted... JAKE: Drat. [Kristen frowns and increases the volume.] TWOFLOWER: Congratulations, Jake! You're the communications officer! JAKE: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! KRISTEN: [along with the music] Talkin' trouble, walkin' trouble, double trouble, big trouble's gonna follow you... o/~ - = - "Armor?" *WHACK* Cham stared at the aluminum bat he had just broken over the most recently reconstructed piece of the Ragnarok and grinned. "Check," he commented, before turning back around to eat some celebratory cheese... and being greeted with the sight of Falc coming back, dragging a really big box behind him. Cham looked at the box with a wide smile before popping a choice piece of gouda in his mouth. "Great! That must be the plutonium, right? Now for the reactor!" Falcon breathed heavily, glaring at Cham. "Remind me why I had to go get the plutonium again? Why couldn't you have helped?" Cham looked back at Falcon with a slightly glazed and condescending look. "I had to work my Artistic Mojo on the ship, Falc. You can't just refit a ship. It requires a certain... flair." Falcon stared blankly. "Falc, you're not gonna get any work done just standing there," Cham commented, before picking up a welding torch and putting a blast shield over his face. "Now get your butt to work, and do that... Chem E stuff, or something. We've still got lotsa work to do if we're going to be sailing through the stars by morning!" Falcon sighed, before continuing to drag the box and mutter under his breath about insanity and wombats. - = - And now, for a performance by Omi no Miko's talented troupe of trained bishounen! A song, just for you! o/~ Wai wai wai wai Wai wai wai wai Wai wai wai wai Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaa!!! o/~ And now for the Impro Grrlz Choir's rendition of 'Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida', with accompaniment on slide trombone, harp, and kazoo! Err... what? It's on tape-delay? Oookay. Never mind, then. You'll just have to see it next week. Sorry! - = - WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR 1950's SCIENCE-FICTION CLASSIC, ALREADY IN PROGRESS - = - [Bridge. An alarm is beeping insistantly] TWOFLOWER: Jake, could you get that? [No response] TWOFLOWER: Jake, could you get that? [No response] EVERYONE: JAKE! COULD YOU GET THAT?! [Jake wakes up, bolting upright. He looks around blearily, then answers the call.] VOICE: Open the pod bay doors, Jake. JAKE: I'm sorry, I can't do that. VOICE: Open the pod bay doors, Jake. JAKE: I'm sorry, I can't do that. VOICE: Do it, or I kill this plushie. JAKE: I'm sorry, but I really can't do that. It's not my job! You'll have to ask Dan. VOICE: Bah, I'm getting bored of this. Let's go!! [On the viewscreen, a converted Champaigne-Minivan-turned-starfighter bursts through the hull of the garage-turned-hanger and veers off to starboard. A visual flashes on the screen. It is CHRIS, ANGELCAT, and most of TEAM K] CHRIS: Good grief. It takes me twenty chapters and the destruction of the planet to get out of here! Later, all. See ya in the next life! BRIDGE CREW: WHOO HOO! HE'S GONE! [beat] BRIDGE CREW: And so are Angelcat and Team K! Wah! TWOFLOWER: Hey! That's the Champagne MiniBattlecruiser! Come baaaack! ANGELCAT: We're just going joyriding! Back before curfew! [The starfighter dwindles to a point of light] - = - Falcon tapped his foot. "C'mon, what's taking that thing of yours so long, Cham? Cham replied, "Are you insulting the Ghetto Fabulous? Just because he can't move as fast as you can put together a nuclear reactor--" "No, I'm just trying to figure out why it isn't back yet. Didn't you call the thing back ten minutes ago?" "Look, choosing the right cheese takes time. Give him a minute. Besides, he also needs to pick up some extra supplies," Cham turned toward his pack llama, "Right, Guido?" "Wark!" "That's right, The Ghetto Fabulous will be bringing back some nice fresh Spam for you, Guido." "Wark wark!" "...anyway, when's Mecha coming back?" Falcon queried. "Right about... 3, 2..." "WAI! Dr. Pepper and assorted other caffeinated beverages for all!" Mechalink stepped through a local dimensional rift and sat two enormous paper sacks down next to Falcon, who peered inside one of them. "And yes, I got some Sprite and water for you, Falc. Have I ever told you you're no fun?" he nyehhed. "Of course you have." Falcon turned to Cham. "Is that robot of yours coming back any time soon?" "3... 2..." Another rift opened, this one directly in front of Cham. A small four-wheeled Lego robot with an impossibly large carrying cage on the back and a twisted amalgam of wires among its pieces rolled forward slowly from the hole and stopped at Cham's feet. Cham immediately searched through the cage to see what his creation had acquired. "Gouda, extra ubersharp cheddar, provolone... good, good boy... and a can of Spam. Great!" He cracked open the can of Spam and fed some to Guido, who warked in appreciation. "Are we ready to go here, guys?" Falcon asked. Mechalink ran down the checklist. "Food, check. Drinks, check. Guido and Ghetto Fabulous, check. Faster-than-light Internet connection with three access terminals, check." "That's it?" "That's it." Cham guided Guido and the Ghetto Fabulous on board the Ragnarok as Falcon and Mechalink gathered the sacks of drinks. When they were all safely on board, the trio ran a final check on the systems of the ship, then met on the bridge. Cham immediately jumped into the captain's chair while yelling "Shotgun!" Falcon calmly strode to the pilot's station and Mechalink chose his station by which one had the most indicators and dials to play with. "Ahh, I've always wanted to do this. Everyone ready?" Cham inquired of his crew. "I've been ready for the last half hour," Falcon answered, hand poised to set in a course. "All right! In that case, lay in a course--" Cham began. "...second star to the right--" Falcon continued. "...and straight on 'til dawn!" Mechalink finished. "Wah!" Cham raised his hands to his temples. "Everyone's in my head!" With that, the entities collectively known as FalChaMlink shot off on a course toward the - say it with me now, let's all get in Cham's head - second star to the right and straight on 'til dawn or midnight cheese attacks, whichever came first. - = - ImproParty was our last, best hope for peace. A self-contained world fourty-five chapters long, located in San Diego. A place of laughter and merriment for way too many authors and hangers-on. A shining beacon on the beach, all alone in the night. (Even if it's only been ONE DAY OF TIME since the story began. *ahem*) It was the dawn of the last act of The Party, the year the Great War came upon us all. This is the story of the last of the Impro Chibis. The year is 2000. The name of this place is Starship Impro. FIN (chapter 41) Next time on Impro Party! "WHY! WON'T! YOU! DIE! I want to you just die die die!" "Well, why didn't you just say so?" "I thought I told you that before!" "I must have misunderstood. Now, if you'd excuse me, I'm going to go eviscerate myself." Stay tuned for: "Floating through Space! Lots and Lots of Popcorn!" - = - Dramatis Personae: Aaron Pinnick: Starship Impro Aaron Shattuck: Starship Impro - Giggling somewhere Angelcat: Champagne MiniBattlecruiser - Joyridin' Anko: Starship Impro Ardweden: Starship Impro - Observation Deck, staring at the stars BlackMage: Starship Impro - With HottCoffee, eating swordfish Blade: Starship Impro Calculus: Starship Impro - Engineering, HOT LUVLUV with H Cham: Ghetto Fabulous (Left the Party) Chris: Champagne MiniBattlecruiser - Joyridin' ColdFury: Starship Impro - Still thinks he's Dan Hibiki Coyote: Starship Impro Damien Phoenix: Starship Impro - Nibbling on Harry Potter's bones? Dan: Starship Impro - Bridge Delfina: Starship Impro - Chasing Coldfury Epsilon: Starship Impro - Disco Mobius, doing the watoosie Eslington: Starship Impro Eric Sprague House of Blues - Ooops. Eternal Lost Lurker: Starship Impro Falcon: Ghetto Fabulous (Left the Party) Fatman: Starship Impro Greg: Starship Impro - TV Room H: Starship Impro - Engineering, with Calculus HottCoffee: Starship Impro - With BM, eating swordfish Jake: Starship Impro - Bridge, sleeping Jeff: Starship Impro Jesse: Starship Impro John Evans: Starship Impro - TV Room, trying to watch Survivor Kate Malloy: Starship Impro - Rec Room, getting Scott drunk Katy: Champagne MiniBattlecruiser - Joyridin' Kimberli: Champagne MiniBattlecruiser - Joyridin' King in Yellow Starship Impro - Bathroom. STILL. @_@ Kristen: Starship Impro - Bridge Lady Brick: Starship Impro - Holo Suite 4 Lady Chaos: Starship Impro - Disco Mobius, getting jiggy with Omi's bishounen Lawrence: Starship Impro - Onsen Mechalink: Ghetto Fabulous (Left the Party) Montae: Starship Impro - Plotting Coldfury's demise Myth: Starship Impro - LOCATION CLASSIFIED NeoVid: Starship Impro nihility (Eric) Starship Impro - Onsen Omi no Miko: Starship Impro - Searching for the cure to JELL-O Phoebe: Starship Impro - Observation Deck, staring at the stars Rain: Starship Impro Rags: Starship Impro - semiconcsious - karaoke Random: Starship Impro Ravi: Starship Impro - Observation Deck, staring at the stars Robin: Starship Impro - With Sam, on a QUEST FOR CAFFEINE Roe: Starship Impro - Bridge Rutt: Starship Impro - Samantha: Starship Impro - With Robin, on a QUEST FOR CAFFEINE Scott Schimmel: Starship Impro - Rec Room, getting pleasantly drunk Steve Scougall: Starship Impro - Hiding from the Dan Fans Tameran: Starship Impro Todd: Starship Impro Twoflower: Starship Impro - Bridge VVerevvolf: Starship Impro Wang Tu Chung: Starship Impro Woofer: Dead, in cryogenic freeze Zrith: Starship Impro - Picking at his navel Supporting Cast: Bishounen: Starship Impro - Doing a song and dance routine Iron Chef Chen Kenichi: Starship Impro - Kitchen Jess: Cryo tanks, watching over Woofer Keith Richards: Dead - Abu Dhabi go BOOOM Kimberli's Mecha: Starship Impro - Iceberg Leonardo DiCaprio: Dead - Abu Dhabi go BOOOM Mysterious Man: Clone tanks Quistis: Starship Impro - Bar Sporkachu: Starship Impro - w/ Angelcat Ura: Starship Impro - Bar Weight-of-Ardweden Doll: Decapitated, blown up with the Earth Young Elvis: Starship Impro - Copacabana Lounge, singing 'Fly Me to the Moon' AUTHOR'S NOTES [or, In Which Ardweden Tries to Say "Wai", but is Silenced By Vacuum] * Ardweden cries! * Ravi patpats Ard, then opens the window. WAI WAI WAI WAI! Whew, that feels good. Wai! It's over! And stuff. And stuff. Took a while. ^_^; Yeah. ^_^; A really really long long LONG while. @_@ We'll, not *that* long. Party's been keeping pace with Ultra, doncha know. ^_~ But we learned something! I think. Did we learn something? * Ravi thinks. I think we learned something. * Ravi checks his Answer-kun. Yup! We did! Well, yeah... ^_^; Waitaminute, we have to write for Ultra. Ultra! Ultra! AAAAAAAAACK! *** Quits: Ardweden (ardweden@ts6-59.cso.niu.edu) (Read error: Connection reset by peer) Ack. The Ultra gods have spoken. @_@ *** Joins: Ardweden (ardweden@ts6-59.cso.niu.edu) * Ardweden runs around screaming and tugging at her hair. * Ravi trips Ard. * Ardweden sprawls on the floor. @_@ * Ravi helps her up and gives her ice cream before she can cry. Owie... wai! * Ardweden happily eats ice cream. Anyway... This chapter wouldn't have been able to be done without help from a lot of people. * Ardweden nodnods as she continues to eat ice cream. "Lots o' people." First off, them FalChamLink boys. They did good work in writing out their departure. Yup. ^_^ And now we never have to worry about them again! Yippee! * Ardweden tosses the empty ice cream container in the sink. Well, that's one way to look at it. ^_^: I try to look at the bright side of things. ^_^_v Thanks to all the people who responded to our little question on the message board, even though you had no idea what we were gonna do. We didn't go with our original plan, but we still used the info! We should also thank our prereaders. They didn't do much, but they did it well! Yup! You guys are really good at doing absolutely nothing! Er... did I say that right? ^_^; * Ravi shrugs. Whatever. Too late for them to do anything. :P So... thanks to Phoebe! And Robin! And Kate! And Chris! And Brick! And Cham! And... and... is that it? No! * Ravi baps Ard! * Ardweden cries. Team M&M! Mecha 'n Montae! *sniffle* Wai! Wai! All together now! WAI! WAI! Oh, and Roe. ^_^; Yeah, him too. ^_^; OH! And the *most* important person of all. Ardweden! And here I thought it was orange soda. @_@ * Ravi glomps Ard. ^_^ * Ardweden falls over. * Ravi keeps glomping. ^_^ * Ardweden whacks Ravi with her lute. ^_^; Owie! * Ravi rubs his head. Can we just say buh-bye now? No. Wah! 'Cause I have to thank Ravi. Thank you, Ravi! You're welcome. ^_^ Wai. ^_^ And thank all of you, the readers, for being patient and reading all the way to the end. I'd like to say there's some fun tidbit here for you... ... but there isn't. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yes. Even though we know that you over there just skipped to the author's notes. What sort of weirdo skips to the author's notes? You evil evil mean wicked person! Go back and read the chapter! * Ardweden brandishes her lute. Wai! A luting! It's kinda like a hanging, only... uh... lutier. ^_^; Yup! So, Myth? You're up next. Knock 'em dead, imouto-chan! Yup. Literally. Mwahahahaha. Oh yeah, and watch out for the popcorn. * Ravi nods sagely. Doo bee dooo bee dooo bee doo Very dangerous, that Act II Butter Lover's Popcorn. Almost as dangerous as... ORANGE SODA. Shhh! Not the ORANGE! * Ardweden meeps and covers her mouth with both hands. ^^;; Oh no, now we're sure tobdF3AwwYSHadfHFsLW NO CARRIER